When jokes
How do you know when your wife is cheating on you?
She comes home with sparkles on her face.
When the school shooter finally leaves your classroom, but then the autistic kid next to you's sketchers light up.
Incest.
When "slow down and apply more lube bro" REALLY means slow down and apply more lube bro.
What did PETA say when a cheetah won 5 million dollars?
You can't beat a cheetah!
Mother, father, and a son. Father purchased a robot that can detect lies. The robot slaps when you lie.
During dinner time: Father: Son, what have you done today? Son: I watched Netflix, Dad. Robot: Stood up and slapped the son! Son: Okay! Okay! I watched porn, Dad. Dad: What? You watched porn? You are only 14! I never knew porn till I was 18 years of age. Robot: Stood up and slapped the Dad! Mother: started to laugh and said, "Sure he is your son!" Robot: Stood up and slapped the mother!
What do you do when your baby starts screaming?
Use more lube.
I cried when my dad was chopping onions. Onions was a good dog.
Your forehead is too big. I can see my future when it shines.
My daughter said I could never make a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen the look on her face when I drove pasta!
A boy and his friend were walking down the street.
Boy 1: "Bro, you still got my Nikes?"
Boy 2: "Yeah, sorry. I got them dirty."
Boy 1: "Please clean them, we have school tomorrow."
Boy 2 got back to his house and decided to clean his friend's shoes. After he finished drying them, he got stuck in his painfully small dryer. Then he remembered his brother needed something from the dryer. So he tried to get out, when his brother came in.
He came in twice.
(like if u understand)
What happens when a computer thinks it knows better than a human?
Ask Boeing.
What is the difference between a whore and an onion?
You don't cry when you chop a whore.
My girl is so cute when she sleeps. I watch her all the time... Tomorrow I might say hi to her for the first time.
What is it called when an orphan takes a family photo? A selfie.
A cop saw an old lady carrying two sacks. He asked the lady what she was doing. She opened one bag and shows a bunch of cash.
"How did you get all this?" asked the cop.
"Well, I live behind a golf course, and my backyard has many holes in its fence. Since there are no bathrooms nearby, the golfers stick their dicks through the holes and piss onto my hard, and that keeps killing my flowers. So, I grabbed my hedge clippers, and when they stick it through, I grab their dick and yell, '10 bucks right now or it comes clean off!' After that, nobody pees in my yard ever again."
The cop responded with, "Dang. But what about the other bag?"
She said, "Not everybody paid."
Yo mama so fat, when she said, "I want a boat," they gave her a naval ship.
The school shooter: "I finally found you worthless crybabies!!"
The Quiet Kid: "How are a bag of chips and a mac11 the same?"
The school shooter: "I don't know."
The Quiet kid: "When you pull them out everybody wants to be your friend."
When Michael Jackson died, people melted him down into Lego pieces so that little kids could play with him instead.
Why was Tickle Me Elmo upset when he left the factory?
Because they only gave him one test tickle.
Why don't catholic kids lose their virginity in their 20's?
Because they lost it to a priest when they were 5