When jokes

When you were born your mother said, "Oh, what a treasure!" Your father said, "Yeah, let’s go bury it."

What do you get when you put a baby in a blender? An extraction.

What do you get when you cross a vegan and a burger fry-cook?

A shitty plant-based patty.

What does Joker say when someone gets angry at him for not liking oats?

"Hey, why so cereal?"

When a redhead commits a mass shooting, does the headline read, "Ginger snaps"?

When you accidentally make your joke too dirty and get in shit from Explain Bear.

Q. Who do you call when a baby with anencephaly is born? A. The funeral home.

My local pet store sells prong collars to get dogs to behave.

But when I tried them on an Alzheimer's patient, I got fired from the nursing home.

Q. What do you get when you cross Vince Li with a bus? A. A whole lot of people who wished they'd missed the bus that day.

What's the difference between a cop and a bullet?

When a bullet kills somebody, you know it's been fired.

When I was doing ju jitsu at my neighbor's cat, I accidentally created a whirlpool and then ate a mango mustard bar.

What do you get when you cross a blonde chick and a garden tool?

A dumbass hoe.

What do you get when you cross Freddie Mercury and Dracula?

A dead man with AIDS.

Yo mama is so old, when I told her to act her age, she died.

Hi, how are you? Busy doing today? Did I have to text more today after dinner? I did text, and you have been to the vet and walk walk home from home and walk walk home 🏠. Night is so nice 👍. I did not walk away, but you don’t want me to text me to let you know when I get home, can you walk?

Once, there was a woman who had a husband and a dog. The husband dies.

The dog would always sleep under the bed, and when the woman would go to sleep, she'd put her hand down, and the dog would lick it to say she/he was alright. One night, it was thunderstorming. She put her hand down and the dog licked normally. She heard the dog whimper, so she put her hand down like normal, as the dog always does, he/she licks her hand.

Then she heard dripping coming from the bathroom, so she went to go stop the leaking that might be coming from the tap, but the tap wasn't on, nor was it dripping. She turns on the light and looks up at the roof to see if the roof was leaking but turns out her dog was hung by its head above the bathtub.

On the mirror it said, "Humans can lick too," in the dog's blood.

This is a true story, don't be afraid to look it up!

A man comes to an assassin who charges $1000 per shot. He tells the assassin, "My wife's been cheating on me. I want you to shoot her in the head and shoot the guy in the dick." When they arrive, they wait. The man asks why he hasn't taken the shot. The assassin says, "I know how I can save you $1000."

What do you call a Titan who can't swim?

Titanic!

Imagine the Titanic with a lisp. It would be unthinkable. My version is imagine the Titanic with a lisp, it would be unsinkable.

What did the front half of the Titanic say to the other half when it hit the iceberg? I'm breaking up with you.

My kid runs in today to tell me that he found a floating cow, but when he got me to come and see, all I saw was a piñata with a tail and white spots. Such a stupid child. So after that I gave him a nice refreshing drink from the toilet and a few of those chocolate sprinkles. (: I'm such a good parent...

A professional golfer driving his Porsche picked up an Irish girl hitchhiker. He had his golfing gear on the back seat. The Irish girl picked up something and asked, "What are these?"

"Those are tees," he said. "I rest my balls on them when I drive."

"Wow!" said the girl. "What will those car makers think of next!"