When jokes
Q: How do you know when Putin is lying?
A: His lips move.
When my dog starts to bark, he starts to get ruff.
Your Mom is so friking fat, that when she ripped her pants and went to the seamster, they said, "We don't sew curtains!"
People should've recognized that Jared Fogle was a sick offender by one coded Subway sandwich; he normally claimed to kids he ate the sweet onion chicken teriyaki when it was the tuna sub.
Tuna sub was the message of the target to the kid since "tuna sub" put together makes "tunasub" and the truth comes when you spell it in reverse ("busanut")!
Why are hindustan bhai so good at Python?
When they are hungry, they use Python and take credit card information ;). You know what they say, you give a man a curry and he eats for a day, you give a man a language and he eats for a lifetime.
What do you call skeletons having sex?
When the relationship is dead, but you're still fucking.
A woman is on the edge of a bridge, about to commit suicide, when a strange man comes up to her.
"Tell me, why do you wish to end your life?" he asks in a booming but gentle voice.
"My children died last year in a car crash, I'm battling depression, my husband left me, and I lost my job," she sobs. "I don't wish to live anymore."
The man mulls this over, and proclaims, "I will solve all your problems, as I am a wizard and possess unfathomable abilities. However, you must grant me a blowjob first."
The delighted woman readily agrees, takes him below the bridge, and fulfills his request. After they're done, he asks, "How old are you?"
"37," she replies, wiping her mouth.
"You're 37 and you still believe in wizards?"
What happened when the emo kid tried to high 5 a tree?
It left him hanging.
When babies kick their mother, it's okay, but when I do it, it's a crime...
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?
El, if I know.
When I finished playing my guitar, I noticed an amputee in the crowd not giving me a round of applause.
What do you get when you cross a German and a Mexican? A “BeanerSchnitzel”!
What sound does a nut make when it comes alive?
Christmas!
One day a guy named Carson is called a jerk, and he says, "I went to a party with my girlfriend, and this random guy walks up to us and says, 'Can I borrow your girlfriend for 30 minutes?' I say yes, and he takes her upstairs. It was not only 30 minutes, but an hour. When she came back down, she was out of breath, so I knew it was a pretty intense conversation." This happens about 3 more times that night.
But as I was saying, only a nice guy would let his girlfriend make friends with other guys. 😊😇
When and where was the biggest BBQ ever?
Hiroshima, Japan 1946.
When does a pentagon have 4 sides?
When a plane is in one of the sides.
What did the comedian say when he walked into a bank?
"This is a stand-up."
"Stop telling these orphan jokes!! Maybe some people that read these are orphans!"
I'll stop telling orphan jokes when their parents come back.
My son told me he wanted to be Batman when he grows up. That little shit wants to be gunned down in an alley.
I was going from Germany to Austria, and I accidentally crossed the border illegally. When the police caught me, they told me I was a Nazi. I asked them, "Why?" They said I didn't see the border.