When jokes

When a kid says, "I'm a pedophile," it means that he has a crush on one of his classmates.

When an adult says it, he is accused as a rapper.

What did Michael Jackson say when Anne got hurt?

"♫ ANNIE, ARE YOU OKAY? ARE YOU OKAY, ANNIE? ANNIE ARE YOU OKAY. BUT JUST TELL US, THAT YOU'RE OKAY. ♫"

I was digging in my garden when I found a treasure chest full of gold. I was about to run inside and tell my wife, but then I remembered why I was digging in my garden.

What did the lion say to the lion tamer? Nothing, because when the lion tamer whipped the lion, the lion killed him.

What's the difference between Jesus and a hooker?

The face you make when you nail them.

Question: "You're-a-American" when you're not in the restroom and when you come out of the restroom. What are you when you're in the restroom?

Answer: European (You're-a-peein')

What is it called when a gay guy punches someone?

Fruit punch.

What happened when a cow jumps over a barbed wire fence? Complete and utter destruction.

When you end up pregnant...

Mom told me if a boy touched my breast I should say "DON'T," and if he touched me down there I should say "STOP." But Dad, he touched me both places at once so I said, "DON'T STOP! DON'T STOP!" 😂

A sailor drops anchor in a port and heads into the nearest pub. Everyone in the pub is whispering and pointing at him because of his odd shaped body; he has a very muscular body, but a very tiny head on his shoulders.

As he orders his drink, he tells the bartender, "I'll explain. I get this in every port and town I visit. I caught a mermaid and she granted me three wishes if I would release her back into the sea. So I told her I wanted a yacht and, sure enough, she came through for me. Next, I asked for a million bucks and now I am set for life. Last of all, I asked her if I could have sex with her and her response was, 'I don't know how you can make love to me with your type of body.' So I asked her, 'How about a little head?'"

When I was walking home, a couple of married guys were saying, "Your mom is good at her job," but I realized my mom doesn't work.

So I ask my mom, "Why are these guys saying you're good at your job? You don't work." My mom said, "Yeah, I got a new job." So I said, "What do you do?" My mom said, "Job hand, no, I mean it's called a hand job."

This morning, I was having a conversation with my ex-boyfriend about reincarnation. I said to him, "If you could come back in the next life as anything, what would you come back as?" He thought about it for a minute and says, "A tree. That way, everybody can look at me and admire me."

Then he says the same thing to me. I started thinking about it when these two sexy, half-naked studs walked by. One was a jock, the other on his bicycle. I know I said I want to come back as a jockstrap or a bicycle seat, but knowing my luck, I'll come back as a tampon.

Billy moved in with 69 pedophiles when he was 8. Many "tears" came across his cheeks.

Have you ever tried sex when camping?

It's f***ing intense.

What did the grape say when he got squished? Nothing, he just let out a little wine.

Yo mama's like a fridge, she breaks down when she loses her cool.

Q: What is the difference between a pizza and a baby?

A: The pizza does not scream when you put it in the oven.

You are American when you walk into the bathroom, and you are American when you walk out.

But do you know what you are when you're in the bathroom? European.

Q: Why don't pedophiles win races?

A: Because they like to come in a little behind.

Yo mama so stupid that when she went to see Fast and Furious 8, she was bringing her car to the theater.