When jokes

Q: What do you get when you drop all your potato chips in your couch somewhere?

A: A couch potato. HaHaHa

I was at the bar late last night when a waitress screamed, "Anyone know CPR?" I said, "Shit, I know all the letters of the alphabet." Everyone laughed, well, except for this one guy.

You know, you should adopt a pet. So then you can feel the pain that your parents felt when they adopted you… wait… also the regret after.

Irritable Bowel Syndrome saved me from depression...

It’s hard to feel empty when you’re so full of shiii fuck ur mom.

What do you call it when a friend calms his suicidal friend? "Hang in there, buddy."

What did the explorer say when he got tired?

I'm gonna take a map.

You're American when you go in the bathroom, and you're American when you come out, but what are you when you are still in the bathroom? European (you're-a-peein').

I never wanted to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker.

But when I got home, all the signs were there.

You are so ugly, when the devil saw you, he said, "Jesus Christ!"

What happens to an Indian's doorbell when you ring it?

A ring-a-ding-a-ding.

A turtle was walking down the street when suddenly a snail came and robbed him. When the police came, they asked what happened. The turtle responded, "I don't know, it all happened so fast!"

When you suffer from depression and someone tells you to just cheer up, god damn, why didn't I think of that?

My best opinion: when life goes to hell, you just go down with it.

You're so poor that when you drink water from a cup, people flick a coin into it.

Father and mother are making love in the bedroom. Mother is on top of father. Suddenly, the son enters the bedroom. Everyone is embarrassed, of course.

The next morning, the mother takes the little boy aside and says, "I'll tell you about what you saw yesterday. You know, Dad has a big belly, and that's why Mom sometimes sits on top of that belly to push it flat." The little boy says, "But Mama, that does not make any difference." "Oh no?" the mom asks. "No," says the little boy, "When you go to work, the neighbor comes, and she puts herself on her knees for Dad, and she blows his belly up again!"

The very young and pretty nun was walking home from the soup kitchen when a homeless man dragged her into the woods and had his way with her.

When he was done, he asked her what she would tell the Mother Superior when she got back to the convent. She calmly said that she would tell her the truth.

She said: "I will tell her that I was on my way home when the most disgusting, repulsive, and abhorrent man dragged me into the woods and had his way with me... twice; that is if you are not too tired."

If you ever get cold, just stand in a corner. There's usually 90 degrees.

Yo mama so sad that when Alejandra Parma died, she bought 20 Cocomelon Happy Meals from McDonald's and became fat.

I have 206 bones, but when I see you, I have 207.

I asked my now ex-boyfriend why he’s scared of my cat. He said it was because of the scratches on my arm.

I told him that my cat doesn’t scratch, but he didn’t believe me. He realised what I meant when he noticed I kept hiding my wrist from everyone else.

(Kinda based on the fact that my ex is indeed scared of cats, and he has been scared of my cat, so yeah 😂)