When jokes
You're so fat that when you go on a walk with your friends, it looks like they are orbiting you.
My emo friend got jealous when my phone died.
When your mom says it will all be ok if you just......... *there is blood on the floor*
When you say, "I wish I could cut off these bumps on my neck." (Your mom walking to you with a knife.)
What did Hermione say when she pantsed someone?
"Wow, Harry!"
You're so white that when I turn off the lights, you're a night light.
When she says "parents aren't home" so you rush upstairs.
Why are blinds called blinds?
Because when they aren’t closed, they are blinding!
When an orphan takes a family photo, it's called a selfie.
She's so fat that when she steps onto a wood floor, the floorboard doesn't creak, it screams: "Goddamn!!!" before it snaps from the weight.
Why do midgets laugh when they run?
The grass tickles their balls.
I went to my girlfriend's house one day in Alabama when I met her brother. He said, "Well, I guess there's no more you stuck in the dryer."
My best opinion: when life goes to hell, you just go down with it.
Sorry man, but I got to say one thing. You know when a bully in a movie walks to you, then they walk up to you, and they smell you and say, "What are you doing?"
Okay, I'm on my last nerve when people say "Water Shark Guy" and other things THAT ARE NOT MY NAME.
This is my name: watersharky!
What's the difference between Captain Morgan and Amy Winehouse?
Captain Morgan comes alive when you add coke.
What does a rifle and a microwave have in common?
They both go "Ping" when they are done.
Yo mama so dumb, when she looked at the light, she said, "Why is the sun so close to me?"
You can give a hockey team airplane a new source of heating, but it went too far on September 7th, 2011, when the Yaroslavl plane crash happened.
Why are hindustan bhai so good at Python?
When they are hungry, they use Python and take credit card information ;). You know what they say, you give a man a curry and he eats for a day, you give a man a language and he eats for a lifetime.