When jokes
What happens when Rick Astley is getting an erection whilst singing "Never Gonna Give You Up"?
You get PRICKrolled.
What happens when you have a kid with Tourette's and a hair trigger?
The Las Vegas shooting.
What do you call Tarzan when he swings through the trees backwards?
Nazrat.
What's the difference between a violinist and a dog?
The dog knows when to stop scratching.
Yesterday, I was babysitting this woman's child. Everything was going perfectly.
I got hungry and called the mother. I asked if she wanted the baby back ribs I was cooking, but she said she didn't want any.
When she arrived she started screaming and ran to her child. I don't see why she was so upset, she said she didn't want any.
What happens when Steven Hawking dies?
Take his iPad to Cash Converters.
What’s the difference between an onion and a viola?
No one cries when they cut up the viola.
When you turn 100, you get a letter from the Queen. When you turn 16, you get a DM from Prince Andrew.
What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base?
A flat major.
What does a rifle and a microwave have in common?
They both go "Ping" when they are done.
What gets wetter as it dries?
A towel!
Just think, when we're getting fucked, we make our own food.
How are rape and airplanes similar?
The ride gets more annoying when the kid starts screaming.
Fail and fall mean the same thing when it’s downstairs.
What did Katie say when her house burnt down?
"HOLY SMOKES!"
Secretly, I’m a woman catfishing gay men on Grindr. When a notification from the app went off, my son told me, “I’ve heard that sound. Daddy has that game, too!”
My friends hate when I make skeleton jokes. I guess I need to put more backbone into it.
A teacher is doing an experiment about taste. She tells each student to line up so she can give them each a lifesaver, so they can tell her what flavor it is. She gives Suzy a pineapple one. Suzy tries it, says the flavor, and then goes and sits back down. That is the same for everyone, then it is Jhonny's turn. The teacher hands him a honey flavor one. Jhonny chews it for a while, then says,
"Teacher, I don't know what it is.". The teacher tries to give him a hint and says, "it's what your parents call each other when you are asleep". Immediately the boy behind Jhonny screams, "Spit it out Jhonny, it's an asshole!!!"
Kid: Mom! You lied to me!
Mom: When?
Kid: You told me that my little brother was an Angel!
Mom: Sooo?
Kid: Then why didn’t he fly when I threw him off the balcony?
Mom: WHAT!!!??!!
When butterflies fall in love, do they feel humans in their stomach?