When jokes

A farmer counted 196 cows in the field.

But when he rounded them up, he had 200.

What do you call it when a boxer cums? Busting a nut.

I was digging in our garden when I found a chest full of gold coins. I was about to run straight home to tell my wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.

When Michael Jackson died, people melted him down into Lego pieces so that little kids could play with him instead.

A salesman rings the doorbell and Little Johnny answers. Salesman: “Can I see your dad?” Johnny: “No, he’s in the shower.” Salesman: “What about your mother? Can I see her?” Johnny: “Nope. She’s in the shower, too.” Salesman: “Do you think they’ll be out soon?” Johnny: “Doubt it. When my dad asked me for the Vaseline, I gave him super glue instead.”

You're so fat, when you went on the scale it said "to be continued."

What's the difference between a baby and a brick?

A brick doesn't cry when you throw it on a wall.

When I die I want to have a piece of paper near me giving a clue on how I died, like, "I want everyone to miss me except for this bullet," or, "You didn't hang with me but guess what did?"

Q: What do you call it when four Mexicans drown in quicksand?

A: Cuatro Cinco.

Yo mama so old when she farts, dust comes out.

I was sitting with my little brother when he was about four-ish. He was starting to really like to identify objects for some reason, so he was showing me his toys. He grabbed his toy Mator truck and then pointed to the wheels, saying, “These are wheels.” I said, “Good job, yes they are.” Then he pointed to the bumper and said, “This is a bumper.” Again, I congratulated him. Then, he grabbed the toy’s wire with the hook at the end and said, “And this is a hooker.” I died laughing.

Your mum so fat that when she sat down she said, "Why are there so many people under me?"

I am crying tears of joy rn. I was wrongfully sentenced to death. They took me to prison to wait for my execution, but when I got there, they said that I was free. I asked them why and they told me that a man named Penaldo had taken my death penalty for me. Thank you, Penaldo!

What's the difference between a Palestinian and a redneck?

At least the redneck was drunk when he married his cousin.

You're so ugly, when you put makeup on, it makes you look like a clown.

A kid gets home from school and finds his mom and dad having sex. The kid asks, "What are you doing, Dad?" The dad replies, "Having sex with your mom, son," and he starts laughing.

The next day, Dad gets home from work and finds his son having sex with his nan. The dad shouts, "What the hell are you doing, son?" The kid replies, "It's not funny when it's your mom, is it?"

How do you know you broke into a gay man’s house?

The weird moaning sounds when you try to slide in the back door.

Followed by slipping in Kentucky (KY) Jelly.

Followed by landing in deep shit.

Followed by being totally covered in sea men.

What’s 8 inches and women scream when they see it?

A puppy, you dirty monkey!

Don't treat her like a gold pump when she's treating you like a gray pistol. Put down a launch pad and rotate.

Why was the orphan so successful?

When they told him go big or go home, he only had one option.