When jokes

Why was the orphan so successful?

When the options were either go big or go home, he only had one option :(

What is David Bowie known for when making music? He gets his beats from his kids.

When is a priest's best compromise?

A failed Baptism.

When a kindergarten teacher asks a kid to sing the alphabet, he said "ab3defg." The teacher said, "Do you like 3D?" He said, "Yeah." The teacher yelled, "Okay, do you have a 3DS?" He said yes. The teacher goes into his bag and says, "Say ABCs or your 3DS will be destroyed." He says, "ab3defghijlmnopqrs." "Oh, he learned well." The teacher threw the 3DS out the window. The kid gets it, and it still works. Then he googles ABCs. It goes to YouTube and says, "abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz." The teacher is proud of the 3DS. The class went home telling parents.

What did Homer Simpson say when he ran over a deer? "DOE!"

There were 500 bricks on a plane. One fell off.

Little Sally was crossing a river full of crocodiles. How did she survive the river? She had a gun. When she got out of the river, she died. Why? Because a brick fell on her head.

What do you call it when you choose Panera Bread over something else?

Panera instead.

The school shooter: "I finally found you worthless crybabies!!"

The Quiet Kid: "How are a bag of chips and a mac11 the same?"

The school shooter: "I don't know."

The Quiet kid: "When you pull them out everybody wants to be your friend."

What do you get when you eat a hamburger?

Mustard gas.

Ever heard of a reverse exorcism? It’s when the Devil tells the priest to exit the child’s body.

People should've recognized that Jared Fogle was a sick offender by one coded Subway sandwich; he normally claimed to kids he ate the sweet onion chicken teriyaki when it was the tuna sub.

Tuna sub was the message of the target to the kid since "tuna sub" put together makes "tunasub" and the truth comes when you spell it in reverse ("busanut")!

There was a man who had just moved from a foreign country. He just moved into his apartment and was watching his favorite TV shows. The first one was "me-me-me, me-me-me, me-me-me-me-me-me-me," the second one was "forks and knives, forks and knives, all I use is forks and knives," and the last one was "BRING IT ON, FAT MAN!!"

There had been a murder in the area, and the man was walking in the park when a cop showed up and asked him, "Sir, have you seen this man?" and held up a photo. The man said "me-me-me, me-me-me, me-me-me-me-me-me-me." The cop said, "Sir, what did you use?" and the man said "forks and knives, forks and knives, all I use is forks and knives." After that, the cop said, "Sir, I'm going to have to arrest you," and the man said "BRING IT ON, FAT MAN!!" The screen goes black, and all you can here "chk-chk. BANG"

What time is it when you say I can’t walk anymore? Time to get a wheelchair 🦼.

Q: How do you know when someone is an opposition leader to Putin?

A: When they are falling from their balcony.

When you are being spoon-fed and your mum says, "Here comes the airplane."

"Yo mama so skinny when she swallowed a meatball, everyone thought she was pregnant again."

What did the grape say when he got squished? Nothing, he just let out a little wine.

The tortoise can't go out to play, Or sell his house or rent it. For when he moves, his house moves too, And nothing can prevent it.

What does the EPA issue when a person stinks up a room with their smelly farts?

Air quality alert code brown!

What's the difference between a gay guy and a freezer?

The freezer doesn't fart when you pull the meat out.