When jokes

I was working for Space X. I was instructed to control a satellite's orbit rotation when suddenly the screen went black. I investigated and found out one of Penaldos penalty had hit and destroyed the satellite. Shame on you Penaldo for ruining my dream job!

You know you’re going bald when you use more toothpaste than shampoo.

Your mama's so fat, when she jumps in the pool, the water jumps out!

Why did the orphan cry when the teacher yelled at him?

Because the teacher said, "Don't make me call your parents!"

We were so poor when we were kids, dad used to jerk off the dog to feed the cat.

What happens to Mary Poppins when the wind dies down?

*Mary Poppins seen falling in background*

When you're banging the class slut and the school shooter says to leave his corpses alone.

What do you get when you cross a shark and a snowman?

Frostbite!

Why did people take Stephen Hawking's to the hospital when we should have took him to Curry's PC World?

When it's April Fool's Day, go to an orphan and say, "Their parents should come back!"

What do you get when you cross breed a bear with a retarded person?

A feminist (a hairy and brainless beast).

When Ant-Man is the size of an atom, how can he breathe?

Three people explored the jungles, one was from France, one from Britain, and the other from America.

While exploring, they were captured by the tribe living there. The tribesmen told the three, "You three have invaded our territory, so we must kill you and use your bodies to create canoes. However, we aren't that heartless, so we'll let you choose your deaths."

So the French guy asked for a gun, pointed to his head, and said "Viva la France!" and shot himself. The Britain guy requested poison and said, "For the Queen!" and drank the poison. Lastly, the American asked for a spoon. The tribesmen were confused but still gave him the spoon. When the American got the spoon, he started stabbing himself, "Try make a canoe out of this one!"

I was working at a check-in station for a flight to Riyadh when suddenly I was approached by Benzema, Kante, and Neymar!

At first I was very surprised and curious, so I asked them why they decided to play in the Saudi Pro League and not MLS where GOAT Messi plays. They all smiled and happily replied: "Don't you know, the legendary bench warmer PRISTIANO PENALDO plays there!"

Now I fully understood what they meant! They know that Pristiano is already finished, so winning trophies will be easy for them. I smiled and happily let them through.

Me: Want to hear a joke?

Friend: Sure.

Me: When my Mum and Dad said they loved me.

Friend: What's funny about that?

Me: Because the next day they disowned me.

Bullying orphans is like bullying the homeless kid; both cry when you make fun of their parents.

What did the orphan's parent say when he got bad grades?

Nothing, he doesn't have any.

Question: What did the fish say when he swam into a wall?

Answer: Dam.

What do you call it when a man wants food in Panera?

Panera bread serving food.

What's the similarities between dark humor and cancer?

It's funnier when kids get it.