Well jokes

Little Johnny was living with his grandpa during the summer. Well, grandpa had a beer, and Johnny said, "Grandpa, let me get a sip of that." Grandpa said, "Well, lil Johnny, does your d**k reach your a**?" And lil Johnny said, "Well no sir." And grandpa said, then no, you can't.

Later that day, papaw (grandpa) had a cigar, and Johnny said let me get a hit of that, and papaw asked, "Well, Johnny, does your d**k reach your a**?" And Johnny said no again. Then papaw was shooting his gun, and Johnny asked if he could shoot it, and grandpa asked Johnny if his d**k reached his a**, and Johnny said no.

Well, after supper, Johnny's grandma made Johnny some ice cream (the most amazing bowl of ice cream EVER), and grandpa said, "Johnny, let me get a bit of that ice cream," and Johnny asked papaw, "Well, papaw, does your d**k reach your a**?" And papaw said, "Well, Johnny, as a matter of a fact, it does," and Johnny said, "Good, now go f**k yourself because you ain't getting none of my ice cream!"

A man and a woman get married. The woman was a retired hooker. The man was a poet.

The man said as they did 69, "You taste better than my most delicious gourmet meal." The woman said, "Well, you aren’t too bad either, but the best 69 I’ve gotten and given was Harry. He did it for 24 hours nonstop." They got divorced that night.

What do you call Indian dhal that is delicious?

Well, that is DHALicious!

It's just been discovered that as well as writing a book, Adolf Hitler also wrote one of the first computer games, "Mein Kraft."

I had sex with twins. Well, I think it was twins. All my rage victims look alike.

Did you know that if you die you can still be a part of family game night!

All you have to do is have your family cremate you and put you in an hour glass, and the games that use hour glasses, well, you will be a part of family game night.

My favorite bartender serves drinks so strong, he gives a "get well soon" card with each one of them!

I was drinking a martini when a waitress yelled, "Do you know CPR?"

I replied, "I know the entire alphabet!" We all laughed and laughed, well, except one person.

You just shot an unarmed man.

Well, he should have armed himself then.

So there’s this air purifier in my room, right? It’s really noisy, so I unplugged it to sleep better, and sure enough, I fell asleep faster. So I came to the conclusion: if I unplug noisy machines, people will sleep better.

It worked really well in my local hospital.

There was a disabled kid at my door. He said, "I'm selling some cookies, want to buy one?" I said, "Well, if you stand up, sure."

You know Thomas Paine, right? Well, clearly he had some common sense too, right?

Guy: Hi, how was your day today?

Woman: Good!

Guy: *Well I can’t ask her out cause she’s pregnant*

Guy: How many months pregnant are you?

Woman: What to you mean?!?! Also, I’m not pregnant.

Roses are red, Obama is well spoken, I'm sorry sir, but the ice cream machine is broken.

Well, we've removed all of the excess fat from your body, and all that's left, I'm afraid, is the wig, Mrs. Trump.

So an orphan goes to the store and gets a bunch of cartons of milk.

The cashier goes, "Woah, why so much?"

The orphan goes, "My dad never came back with the milk, so, well, here we are!"

They say Disneyland is the happiest place on earth. Well, apparently, no one has ever been standing next to you.

Hey, wake up. I just murdered your family, but I live alone.

Then who are these people in your house? They are people in my house? Well, not anymore, dumb bitch. You're welcome, you could have died.

Well on the positive side: the Mexicans will probably want to pay for, and build, that wall at this point! Maybe the Canadians as well; two free walls!

Have you ever noticed when a woman is pregnant all her friends touch her stomach and say “congrats,” but none of them touch the man’s penis and say “well done?”

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