Well Jokes

So Jesus has been nailed to the cross. On the first day, he starts to moan, "Peter, Peter".

Well, Peter hears Jesus moaning and feels it is important, so begins to go up the hill. On his way, he is met by some Roman soldiers and they proceed to beat his ass back down the hill.

On the second day, Peter hears Jesus moaning again, "Peter, Peter".

Peter thinks to himself, this is important. He heads up the hill, fights past the first line, but gets a beatdown by the second group and back down the hill he goes.

On the third day, Peter is woken up by Jesus sounding very weak, but calling out, "Peter, Peter".

Peter feels that whatever it is that Jesus needs him for, must be very important. Peter heads up the hill, he is on a mission. He manages to fight his way thru three sets of Roman guards and make his way to the cross Jesus has been nailed to for three days. He looks up to Jesus, and says "Jesus, I have heard your calls, what is so important"?

Jesus- "Peter, I can see your house from here".

This joke includes potentially sensitive content.

A man and a woman get married. The woman was Retired hooker. The man was a poet. The man said as they did 69, you taste better than my most delecious gormet meal. The woman said, well you aren’t too bad either. But the best 69 I’ve gotten and given was harry. He did it for 24 hours nonstop. They dot divorced that night.

They used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a comedian. -- Well they're not laughing now!

Guy: Hi, how was your day today. Woman: Good! Guy: *Well I can’t ask her out cause she’s pregnant* Guy: How many months pregnant are you? Woman: What to you mean?!?! Also I’m not pregnant.

i was drinking a martini when a waitress yelled " do you know CPR?" i replied "i know the entire alphabet!" we all laughed and laughed, well. except one person

They say Disneyland is the happiest place on earth. Well, apparently, no one has ever been standing next to you.

You know Thomas Paine right. Well, clearly he had some common sense too. right?

This joke includes potentially sensitive content.

so an orphan goes to the store and gets a bunch of cartons of milk the cashier goes ''woah why so much'' the orphan goes ''my dad never came back with the milk so well here we are ''

Did you know that if you die you can still be apart of family game night!! all you have to do is have your family cremate you and put you in an hour glass and the games that uses hour glasses well you will be apart of family game night.

What did Jesus say when he was left hanging on the cross? Well this is one hell of a way to spend my Easter Vacation.

Son to mother: "Mom, all the kids in the school are making fun of me because I am still a virgin."

Mother: "Well, start giving them bad grades and they will stop."

It’s just been discovered that as well as writing a book, Adolf Hitler also wrote one of the first computer games, Mein Kraft.

What do you call indian dhal that is delicous?

Well that is DHALicous!

Well, we've removed all of the excess fat from your body and all that's left I'm afraid is the wig, Mrs. Trump.

There was A disabled kid at my door he said I’m selling some cookies want to buy one I said well if you stand up sure

So there’s this air purifier in my room right, and it’s really noisy so I unplugged it to sleep better and sure enough I fell asleep faster, so I came to the conclusion if I unplug noisy machines people will sleep better. It worked really well in my local hospital