Way jokes
If the longest word in history is pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis, then it's big cousin would [be] something longer, right?
Nope, something way longer:
BEHO-methionylthreonylthreonylglutaminylalanylprolylthreonylphenylalanylthreonylglutaminylprolylleucylglutaminylserylvalylvalylvalylleucylglutamylglycylserylthreonylalanylthreonylphenylalanylglutamylalanylhistidylisoleucylserylglycylphenylalanylprolylvalylprolylglutamylvalylseryltryptophylphenylalanylarginylaspartylglycylglutaminylvalylisoleucylserylthreonylserylthreonylleucylprolylglycylvalylglutaminylisoleucylserylphenylalanylserylaspartylglycylarginylalanyllysylleucylthreonylisoleucylprolylalanylvalylthreonyllysylalanylasparaginylserylglycylarginyltyrosylserylleucyllysylalanylthreonylasparaginylglycylserylglycylglutaminylalanylthreonylserylthreonylalanylglutamylleucylleucylvalyllysylalanylglutamylthreonylalanylprolylprolylasparaginylphenylalanylvalylglutaminylarginylleucylglutaminylserylmethionylthreonylvalylarginylglutaminylglycylserylglutaminylvalylarginylleucylglutaminylvalylarginylvalylthreonylglycylisoleucylprolylasparaginylprolylvalylvalyllysylphenylalanyltyrosylarginylaspartylglycylalanylglutamylisoleucylglutaminylserylserylleucylaspartylphenylalanylglutaminylisoleucylserylglutaminylglutamylglycylaspartylleucyltyrosylserylleucylleucylisoleucylalanylglutamylalanyltyrosylprolylglutamylaspartylserylglycylthreonyltyrosylserylvalylasparaginylalanylthreonylasparaginylserylvalylglycylarginylalanylthreonylserylthreonylalanylglutamylleucylleucylvalylglutaminylglycylglutamylglutamylglutamylvalylprolylalanyllysyllysylthreonyllysylthreonylisoleucylvalylserylthreonylalanylglutaminylisoleucylserylglutamylserylarginylglutaminylthreonylarginylisoleucylglutamyllysyllysylisoleucylglutamylalanylhistidylphenylalanylaspartylalanylarginylserylisoleucylalanylthreonylvalylglutamylmethionylvalylisoleucylaspartylglycylalanylalanylglycylglutaminylglutaminylleucylprolylhistidyllysylthreonylprolylprolylarginylisoleucylprolylprolyllysylprolyllysylserylarginylserylprolylthreonylprolylprolylserylisoleucylalanylalanyllysylalanylglutaminylleucylalanylarginylglutaminylglutaminylserylprolylserylprolylisoleucylarginylhistidylserylprolylserylprolylvalylarginylhistidylvalylarginylalanylprolylthreonylprolylserylprolylvalylarginylserylvalylserylprolylalanylalanylarginylisoleucylserylthreonylserylprolylisoleucylarginylserylvalylarginylserylprolylleucylleucylmethionylarginyllysylthreonylglutaminylalanylserylthreonylvalylalanylthreonylglycylprolylglutamylvalylprolylprolylprolyltryptophyllysylglutaminylglutamylglycyltyrosylvalylalanylserylserylserylglutamylalanylglutamylmethionylarginylglutamylthreonylthreonylleucylthreonylthreonylserylthreonylglutaminylisoleucylarginylthreonylglutamylglutamylarginyltryptophylglutamylglycylarginyltyrosylglycylvalylglutaminylglutamylglutaminylvalylthreonylisoleucylserylglycylalanylalanylglycylalanylalanylalanylserylvalylserylalanylserylalanylseryltyrosylalanylalanylglutamylalanylvalylalanylthreonylglycylalanyllysylglutamylvalyllysylglutaminylaspartylalanylaspartyllysylserylalanylalanylvalylalanylthreonylvalylvalylalanylalanylvalylaspartylmethionylalanylarginylvalylarginylglutamylprolylvalylisoleucylserylalanylvalylglutamylglutaminylthreonylalanylglutaminylarginylthreonylthreonylthreonylthreonylalanylvalylhistidylisoleucylglutaminylprolylalanylglutaminylglutamylglutaminylvalylarginyllysylglutamylalanylglutamyllysylthreonylalanylvalylthreonyllysylvalylvalylvalylalanylalanylaspartyllysylalanyllysylglutamylglutaminylglutamylleucyllysylserylarginylthreonyllysylglutamylisoleucylisoleucylthreonylthreonyllysylglutaminylglutamylglutaminylmethionylhistidylvalylthreonylhistidylglutamylglutaminylisoleucylarginyllysylglutamylthreonylglutamyllysylthreonylphenylalanylvalylprolyllysylvalylvalylisoleucylserylalanylalanyllysylalanyllysylglutamylglutaminylglutamylthreonylarginylisoleucylserylglutamylglutamylisoleucylthreonyllysyllysylglutaminyllysylglutaminylvalylthreonylglutaminylglutamylalanylisoleucylmethionyllysylglutamylthreonylarginyllysylthreonylvalylvalylprolyllysylvalylisoleucylvalylalanylthreonylprolyllysylvalyllysylglutamylglutaminylaspartylleucylvalylserylarginylglycylarginylglutamylglycylisoleucylthreonylthreonyllysylarginylglutamylglutaminylvalylglutaminylisoleucylthreonylglutaminylglutamyllysylmethionylarginyllysylglutamylalanylglutamyllysylthreon
We thought that my mother died in the best way possible, during her sleep.
But when we did an autopsy on her, we saw she actually died in the worst way possible. During the autopsy.
Why can orphans never walk home?
Because there's no way to go.
What's the best way to get chewing gum out of your hair?
Cancer.
Btw friend here also wants to do suicide.
Friend: Why did I cross the road? Me: To get to the other side. Friend: True!
Friend: Hey let's go hang out at the forest today! Me: Ok *grabs ropes for the both of us and rushes outside bc this is a lucky day* Friend: Hey at least we did it!
Friend: What's the best thing about me? Me: You will eventually end. Friend: Hmmmmmm . . . true!
Friend: What historical time influenced you the most? Me: The great depression.
If I could be an object I'd be glass because I'm see-through and I can shatter with the minimum difficulty immediately!
My parents sometimes say I'm their sunshine! . . . because I'm painful if you look at me.
Teacher: What does km/s mean? Me+like almost all of the class: *in unison* It means kill myself but misspelled.
Friend: What's the best way to end a game? Me: With death. Friend: . . . Hmmm now that you think about it yeah! That's the best way!
When you're about to jump down a cliff but you realize that you can't litter there.
Google says that you're about 75% water but I'm made of 101% depression 101% anxiety 101% suicidal 101% stress.
Brain be like will_to_live.exe, happiness.exe, and many more others not found also you have now got crippling_depression.exe, anxiety.exe, suicide_thoughts.exe, suicide_attempts, and stressful_life.exe so so so much many more.
How do you keep weeds away? Just put a bucket of crippling depression and suicidal thought and attempts in the soil and then they just kill themselves. Problem solved.
When you take antidepressants but they don't work it will just make you more depressed and that's a fact.
A bored depressed suicidal person: *sees a dying person* Dying person: P-l-pls c-c-c-call m-me a-an amb-b-bulancccee *wheeze* *dies* Bored depressed suicidal person: Hmmmm ur an ambulance Dying person: *manages to get back up* Bored depressed suicidal person: Oooooohh goddddd Dying person: *in a demonic tone* BUT NOT FOR ME~
Roses are red, Inside I'm dead, I have crippling depression, Some one pls shoot my head.
When you finally open up to a person who you think will care and understand but it turns out that they don't. You: *panickingpanickingpanickingpanickingpanickingpanickingpanickingpanickingpanickingpanickingpanickingpanickingpanickingpanickingpanickingpanicking*
The only time you should lift your spirits up is when your gonna hang yourself.
A made-up story starting now. So I went to school as usual. There's a school shooting. All the depressed suicidal people: *crave death* *walks up to shooter* all say KILL ME A made-up story starting ending.
In this one the friend isn't suicidal. Friend: Wanna play a game? Me: Life wait no a game has a meaning. Friend: . . . *crickets* Friend: Calls suicide hotline. Me: Wait no!!!!!
Me: *has crippling depression* *asks mom why I was born* Mom: Hmmm I think I was drunk and on a lotta drugs. Me: Hmmm tysm *gets the rope* Mom: *making hanging puns* Me: *hurries to the trash truck*
Me: At this point I've lived about a decade depressed and suicidal that I don't struggle with it now, I'm good at it and it's all normal.
Hope you enjoyed.
One day, inexplicably, my talking parrot started insulting me. He called me an idiot, a fool, a jerk, stupid, and a variety of other nasty names. I warned the squawker to cease, but to no avian avail. Fed up, I finally flipped the foul-mouthed feather-brain into the freezer...but after about 15 seconds, I relented and let him out.
"I'm so sorry," he declared! "I don't know what came over me, and realize I shouldn't have said those terrible things. I hope you can forgive me, and I promise never to do it again! By the way...what did the chicken do?" 🐔😂
Why does an orphan have to go to church? Because that's the only way he can pray for a father.
What's a good way to masturbate?
Get somebody to do it for you.
Q. What color were Mohammed Atta’s eyes?
A. Blue, one blue this way and one blue the other way.
When I was younger, I thought that it was cool to use knives because kids used to ask me to use them.
By the way, have you seen my sister?
I love you all the way to Uranus! 🤣
A beautiful woman is on the ledge of a bridge about to commit suicide.
A homeless man walks by her and says, "What are you doing?"
She says, "I'm going to jump!"
The homeless man says, "If you're going to kill yourself, do you wanna have sex with me first?"
The woman replies, "No way, creep! Never that!"
The homeless man doesn't seem bothered and says, "That's fine, I'll just wait 'til you're at the bottom."
One day Billy, Bob, and Doo Da went fishing in a small boat. None of them could swim, and they had no life jackets.
Doo Da suddenly started yelling, "I got one boys!" as he started trying to reel the fish in. It was way too large for him to get onto the boat, and he fell into the water. The fish had a nice meal that night. Billy and Bob were in shock but knew they had to tell Mrs. Doo Da.
Upon arriving at her house, they did rock, paper, scissors on who had to tell her the news. Bob lost. He slowly rang the doorbell, and Mrs. Doo Da answered. "U-uhm.. we...Doo D-Da..f-fish..." Bob stuttered, then he screamed and ran off. Billy went to go retrieve his friend. Billy had a nice little talk with him and slapped him across the face to get him to just say what happened. Soon, the two men returned to Mrs. Doo Da's house and rang the doorbell again. She opened the door and looked at the two men and asked, "I've been trying to call Doo Da, and he hasn't answered, is he ok?" Bob took a deep breath and took a step forward with a smile on his face. He sang, "We went fishing, guess who died, Doo Da, Doo Da. He smiled and he said good bye, we mourn Doo Da today."
Which way did the cow jump over the moon?
- The Milky Way!
Jack quietly crawled through Jill’s bedroom window, trying not to make a single noise. She sat on her bed, her back facing him. Jack tiptoed up behind her, laid his hands on her shoulders and said, in a rather sensual tone,
“Boo.”
“Jack!” She yelled, “what are you doing here?”
Jack sat down next to her and smiled.
“I figured today was a good day to maybe go up to the hill?” He said.
“That sounds fun,” said Jill.
“C’mon, let’s go!”
The kids climbed down from Jill’s second story window. They frolicked around in the fields, hair swaying in the wind, as they neared the nearby hill. Jack took Jill’s hand, and they skipped up to the very top of the hill. They sat down on the bright green grass and giggled.
“You ready?” Asked Jack.
“Ready as I’ll ever be,” Jill replied with a wink.
Jack laid his hand on Jill’s chest, softly pushing her onto her back. He got down on his knees, and bent down to the bottom of her dress.
“I’ve waited a long time for this...” he whispered.
Jack slowly pulled up Jill’s dress with one hand, running the other up her thigh. His anticipation was building faster and faster. He looked her in the eyes as he slowly pulled down her panties. Once they were all the way off, he turned his head downward. His mouth opened, his eyes went wide. Jack was speechless. Before he could say anything, Jill slammed his head down, gagging him with her giant cock. She sat up as she slammed his head up and down. Jack began to feel dizzy as he gagged and coughed.
“Silly Jack, didn’t you know? I’m not Jill. I never was. My name’s Randy. You’re mine now, Jack. So sit back, enjoy the ride.” Said Randy.
Randy moved Jack’s head faster and faster as he threw his head back. It was coming, fast. All of a sudden, he stopped. Jack’s head stood still as his mouth became a fountain of white, drizzling all over Randy’s legs and onto the grass. Randy let go and Jack jumped back, spitting and trying to get it all out of his mouth. Just as the dizziness began to fade, Randy walked over. The last thing Jack saw was Randy’s fist hurtling towards him...
A teacher was teaching her second-grade class about the government, so for homework that one day, she told her students to ask their parents what the government is. When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and asked him what the government was. His dad thought for a while and answered, “Look at it this way: I'm the president, your mom is Congress, your maid is the workforce, you are the people and your baby brother is the future.”
“I still don't get it,” responded Little Johnny. “Why don't you sleep on it then? Maybe you'll understand it better,” said the dad. “Okay then...good night,” said Little Johnny and went off to bed. In the middle of the night, Little Johnny was awakened by his baby brother's crying. He went to his baby brother's crib and found that his baby brother had taken a crap in his diaper. So Little Johnny went to his parent's room to get help. When he got to his parent's bedroom, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep. Through the keyhole, he saw his mom loudly snoring, but his dad wasn't there. So he went to the maid's room. When he looked through the maid's room keyhole, he saw his dad having sex with his maid. Little Johnny was surprised, but then he just realized something and thinks aloud, "OH!! Now I understand the government! The President is screwing the workforce, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, and the future is full of s**t!"
Father: I'm taking your toys to the orphanage.
Child: But why?
Doctor: I'm going to have to turn you away.
Orphan: But why?
You wanna hear a joke?
Two Emos hanging out under a tree.
How many Emos does it take to commit suicide? Way too fucking many, because they never get it right the first time!
Is your dad Spider-Man, because he got no way home?
A Muslim is about to commit suicide when a Catholic priest stops him.
"What are you doing?!" exclaims the priest.
"There is nothing on this Earth for me," the Muslim says. "I will commit suicide to go to paradise and get 72 virgins!"
The priest shakes his head.
"Foolish Muslim, suicide is not the way!" he says.
"Follow me, I'll take you to the local primary school."