what do you get when you cross a belt and a watch?

a waist of time

Want to watch Titanic? No, I’m not on board for it.

Me: Wanna play 9/11? Friend: What’s that? Me: Its a game where I kick you in both legs and watch you fall.

I was up all night because my neighbors were having sex.

was actually up all night watching

Humpty Dumpty felled off the wall, his mom did a terri-fried call. He got hurt in a egg-cident & it never got eggs-elent. When the eggs-plant was over, he got told to use the mower. It happened too fast, he watched the very last. Next he died, eaten all fried.

Q:What is red white and blue and fun to watch? A: a cop car rolling over after tryong to catch for speeding

how did the skeleton know it was ganna rain. If you said he felt it in his bones, your wrong he watched the weather forcast.

there was man, who had just moved from a foreign country. he just moved into his apartment, and was watching his favorite TV shows. the first one was “me-me-me, me-me-me, me-me-me-me-me-me-me,” the second one was “forks and knives, forks and knives, all i use is forks and knives,” and the last one was “BRING IT ON, FAT MAN!!” There had been a murder in the area, and the man was walking in the park when a cop showed up and asked him “sir, have you seen this man?” and held up a photo. the man said “me-me-me, me-me-me, me-me-me-me-me-me-me.” the cop said, “sir, what did you use.” and the man said “forks and knives, forks and knives, all i use is forks and knives.” after that, the cop said, “sir, im going to have to arrest you,” and the man said “BRING IT ON, FAT MAN!!” the screen goes black, and all you can here “chk-chk. BANG”

The Coach of the Detroit Lions had put together the perfect football team. But then his quarterback got blindsided and was out for the season with a knee injury.

Then his backup went down with a concussion. He tried the trading route, free agents, but nobody any good was available.

One evening while watching the news from Iraq, he saw a young Iraqi soldier with an amazing arm. The soldier rifled a grenade on a perfect arc into a 4th story window from 100 yards, bam!

He tossed another directly into a tight group of 12 enemy fighters 80 yards away, ka-bam! Then a humvee passed, going 60 kph, boom! Another perfect shot!

Coach said to himself, “I got to have this guy. He’s got the best arm I’ve ever seen!”

He tracks him down and convinces him to come to Detroit. The kid takes coaching perfectly, makes all the plays, and long story short, the Lions win the Super Bowl.

The Iraqi is now the Conquering Hero in pro football, and a huge story. But when the broadcast team tries to interview him, all he wants is to phone his mom.

“Mother,” he yells over the phone, “We just won the Super Bowl!”

“Don’t talk to me,” the woman says. “You abandoned us. You can’t be my son.”

The young Iraqi begs, “Mom, you don’t understand! Our team won the biggest game here in the U.S. Thousands of fans are screaming for me. The U.S. President is going to call me!”

“I don’t care,” his mother snaps. “Right now I can hear gunshots everywhere. Our block is like a ruin. Your brothers were beaten half to death last night, and your sister was nearly raped.”

Then she says, "I can never forgive you for making us move to Detroit.

What’s the difference between a chicken and me? None, they both don’t watch right and left before crossing the road.

Glad to present you wood clock https://olegon.ru/clock/

Just watched an upsetting video. Please retweet. #Stop The Make A Wish Foundation.

If the grinch was an average white thotty b… girl: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V6LmcrJq6oo

If the grinch was an average black girl: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WYzLo8vjSqI&has_verified=1

What’s the funniest thing about being ringside at a UFC fight?

When you look around and all of the spectators are wearing white gowns and fuzzy socks, and you realize you aren’t at a UFC event, you’re watching your fellow patients fight to the death at a psychiatric facility.

What do u get if u cross Damian Lillard and a watch

I was watching a tv show where a guy was hanging off a cliff then the series ended…guess you can say that they left that guy on a cliff hanger

A man once ate the left-side of a person one guy watching asked if the guy he was eating was okay. the man eating him said “No… it’s okay he’s alright now.”

A blind man walked into me at a store i said “watch it bitch” and he said “sorry i didn’t see you there.”

I Was Watching T Siries and i thoght to my self man this sucks my sister watches jameand charels and he alwayssays thats t sires so is it him SUB TO PEWDIEPIE UN SUB TO T SIRES THEY SUCK

I just watched a program about beavers. it was the worst dam program I’ve ever seen.