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What’s the difference between a thief and a pervert?

One will snatch your watch, the other will watch your snatch.

What do you call a kid watching Star Wars by themselves?

Hans Solo.

*Watches sad movie with family*

Everyone else: *Crying*

Sister: How aren't you crying?

Me: I have no tears left to cry...

You watch 50 Shades of Grey, and you turn grey in bed.

So, there was a kid named Bobby, and he was writing notes. He asked his mother, who was on a phone call, "what is one plus one?" She said, "I HATE YOU." Then he asked his brother what is 2 + 2, who was watching a Batman movie, said, "NU NU NU NU NU NU NU NU NU NU BATMAN!" Then he asked his dad what is 4 plus 4, who was playing football, said, "85 SMACK EM DOWN!" Then he asked his sister 8+8, (she was playing with barbies), and she said, "My buns are burning." Then he went to school and told her teacher the first note he wrote down. The teacher sent him to the principal’s office. The principal yelled, "WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?!" Bobby said, "NU NU NU NU NU NU NU NU NU NU BATMAN!" The principal yelled, "HOW MANY SPANKINGS DO YOU WANT?!" Then he said, "85 SMACK EM DOWN!" Then he walked away from the principal’s office and said, "my buns are burning."

Royal aka ZEPHYR gets cucked daily by Tyrone.

ZEPHYR watches Tyrone give his wife the genes he could never give her. What a loser.

Why can't an orphan watch the movie:

It was family rated.

Yo mama's so gay that, after watching Aladdin, she tried to fly on a pride flag!

I tried to make a belt out of watches, but it was a waste of time.

I played the Angry Birds theme while watching a 9/11 documentary.

My homework was to watch as much porn as I can... and tell my teacher the details so he won't get in trouble for watching it during class.

A: Why are you so sad?

B: I was watching porn, and all of a sudden my wife opened the door.

A: Ok, I see, but is that really such a big deal?

B: I mean, she opened the door in the movie!

What did the kamikaze instructor say to the students?

"Okay guys, watch very carefully because I can only show you this demonstration once."

You wanna know proof that cats don't always land on their feet? Well then, watch The Lion King.

"Knock, knock." "Who's there?" "Yo mum." "Yo mum who?" "Yo mum is watching you wank right now."

What time is it when it turns 13 o'clock?

Time to get a new watch.

They say watching child porn will get me 20 years in jail. I prefer to think of it as two 10-year-olds.

So, a guy walks into a bar, and he tells the bartender, "After this last drink, I'm going to the roof to kill myself." A guy sitting next to him says, "I wouldn't do that if I were you." in which the man replies, "Oh yeah?" So, they both take their shots and go up to the roof. The guy says, "You're not gonna die, watch this!" He jumps off the roof and comes back up. The man rubs his eyes and tells him to go it again. He comes down and comes back up. The man says, "Cool, let me try!" and he jumps down only to kill himself. The guy goes back to the bar, and the bartender says, "Superman, you're an asshole."

Your momma is so dumb, she sits on the TV and watches the couch.

If I smiled one centimeter each time I watched someone I hated die, I'd look like the Cheshire Cat.