Violence jokes
Why did Bob Ross die?
Because the paint brush stabbed him.
When your husband can’t afford a punching bag, he uses his wife.
I was walking down the street one day and I passed the gun store. I walked in and everything was half off. I didn't know back to school sales had started already.
When you have a box of dead babies in your garage and one of them is alive at the bottom and has to eat its way out but goes back for seconds.
How do you keep a mute woman you've raped from telling on you?
By cutting off her fingers.
What is black, white, and red all over?
My third wife.
What's the difference between a baby and an onion?
One screams when I peel its skin off.
What's worse than throwing a baby off a cliff?
Catching it with a pitchfork.
What has 5 legs, 3 arms, and 7 feet?
The finish line at the marathon bombing.
Jim walks into a bar and asks for a shot of vodka. He then says to the barkeep, "Who's the toughest guy in here?"
The barkeep points to a man at the pool table. Jim then knocked him out and paid for the shot and left. He did this every Friday for 2 months. Finally, the barkeep is pissed because Jim keeps knocking out all of his customers. He then orders a gorilla and puts him in the bathroom.
Jim walks into the bar and gets another shot of vodka. He asks again, "Who's the toughest guy in here tonight?" The bartender points to the bathroom and says he's in there. Jim walks into the bathroom and everyone in the bar can hear yelling and screaming. The bartender asks, "What happened in there?" Jim smiles and says, "I don't know who that was, but when he wakes up tell him I put his fur jacket in the toilet."
What's black and white and red all over?
A massacre at a funeral.
I've been looking for my ex-girlfriend's killer for the past two years.
But no one would do it.
Funny thing is, dead women can't say no...
I'm taking a guitar lesson at school. My band instructor told me he was going to hit me with my guitar. I asked him if that was a "fret."
I'm taking a guitar lesson at school. My band instructor told me he was going to hit me with my guitar. I asked him if that was a fret.
What do you do if your dishwasher stops working?
Punch her in the face and remind her of her duties.
What did the little boy say to the fat man?
How many Japs did you get?
A young blonde woman fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a shop and buys a handgun.
The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. The hysterical blonde tells her husband: "Shut up... you're next!"
Why do you put a baby in a blender feet first?
So you can see the look on its face as you climax.
What do 9 out of 10 people enjoy?
Gang rape.