What's black and white and red all over? A penguin that's just been raped.
Violence Jokes
What do you get when you put a baby in a blender? An extraction.
What has 4 legs and 1 arm?
A pitbull dog coming back from the kids playground.
It's sad how families can be torn apart from something as simple as wild dogs.
What's the funniest thing about being ringside at a UFC fight?
When you look around and all of the spectators are wearing white gowns and fuzzy socks, and you realize you aren't at a UFC event, you're watching your fellow patients fight to the death at a psychiatric facility.
I was just informed that my ex was stabbed yesterday. Let's just say I quit my job as a butcher.
I just found out my ex got stabbed today... let's just say I lost my job as a butcher.
A guy walks into a bar. He sees a hot girl. He walks up to her and says, "You're getting laid tonight." She replies, "What are you, some sort of psychic?" He says, "No, I'm just stronger than you."
My friend thinks he is funny.
He told me that the only food that makes you cry is an onion, so I threw a coconut at him.
Commander: "Fire a warning shot."
Soldier: "Sir, this is a M32 grenade launcher."
Commander: "Potato, potato, just fire."
Soldier: *fires M32 grenade launcher near a pre-school*
Commander: "They're trying to run, TAKE THEM DOWN!"
Not sure if domestic violence joke or penis size joke...
Watching "50 Shades of Grey" was more painful than my uncle fisting me as a kid.
A pun walked into a room and killed ten people.
Pun in, ten dead.
What do you call a 6 year old with no friends?
A Sandy Hook survivor.
Where did Lucy go in the bombing... Everywhere.
An assassin is about to shoot his target, "I'm about to give you the JFK experience."
A little girl and a little boy are taking a bath together when the little girl looks down and asks, "What's that?" The little boy says, "That's my little red race car." 10 minutes later, the boy looks down and asks, "What's that?" The little girl says, "That's my little red race car garage."
So later that night the boy asks the little girl if he can put his little red race car in her little red race car garage. She says yes, and they pull down their pants and the boy tries putting his little red race car in her garage, but it won't fit. Downstairs, the mother hears an ear-piercing scream and runs upstairs, flips on the lights, and sees blood on the floor. The mother asks, "What happened?" The little girl says, "We tried putting his car in my garage and it wouldn't fit, so I cut the back wheels off."
My wife told me to give her 8 inches, so I had to have sex with her 4 times and punch her in the nose.
They laughed at my crayon drawing.
So I laughed at their chalk outline.
We don't have school shooters; we have special ed breeches.
