Violence jokes

There's a new cooking programme on BBC1. The contestants are victims of domestic violence. It's called "Can't Cook... Right Hook."

Why did Tyrone drop his ice cream cone?

A: He got shot.

Why did the guy run because the girl ripped his penis off?

What's black, white, and red all over?

Lossvagus school shooting.

Me: Wanna play 9/11?

Friend: What's that?

Me: It's a game where I kick you in both legs and watch you fall.

My brothers kept annoying me.

I told them I would disembowel them if they kept it up.

It was an empty threat—right after I was done.

Oh my god, she hit me with a bat,

'Cause she was transgender.

What's white, black, and red all over?

A zebra who walked into a hunting reserve.

I showed my girlfriend my shotgun yesterday. It really blew her away.

What is the world's greatest invention? The ball gag, do you know why? Honestly, officer, I never heard her say no.

What does a woman do when she leaves the battered women's shelter?

"Cook my dinner, if she knows what's good for her."

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?

Nothing you haven't told her twice already.

Hey, What do you want? We broke up like 5 days ago, leave me alone. Ok, first wanna do some things? What kind of things? Illegal things. Like what? Knock you off and hide your body. 🤡🤡🗡

The quiet kid starts playing "Pumped Up Kicks" in the parking lot before school.

I like my Oreos how I like my victims... Drowning.

What's the difference between you and me? You're not strangling a man with a cloak on.

What's the difference between a baby and a watermelon?

One screams when you put it in a blender, and the other one is a cooperative little fruit.

You find yourself stuck in a hole with a murderer, a rapist, and a lawyer. You're armed, but you only have 2 bullets left. What do you do?

Shoot the lawyer. Twice.

What do pedophiles and Sandy Hook have in common?

Shooting up schoolchildren.

You know how on Snapchat "hmu" means hit me up? A school posted "smu." Nikolas Cruz responded.