Vehicle jokes
How does an Indian open his car?
"Boot, boot!" (in an Indian accent)
Yo mama is so fat, her car has stretch marks.
What happens when a frog parks illegally?
He gets toad.
I want to die peacefully like my uncle, but I don’t own a car or have a garage.
Three men die at the same time and go to Heaven. St. Peter says to them, "It's going to be a long journey to heaven, so I will give you a good vehicle depending on how much you've cheated on your wives."
"We'll start with you, Michael. Since you were quite the womanizer and cheated on your wife multiple times, you will be getting a Toyota." The man, embarrassed, left in the Toyota.
"Nolan, you were better; you cheated on your wife twice, so I will give you a Mercedes. Now, as for you, Mark, you never cheated on your wife; you are an absolute saint, so I will be giving you a Lamborghini."
The man in the Toyota saw the man with the Lamborghini the next day crying like a child on his car, and he asked the man in the Lamborghini, "What the hell is going on?"
The man in the Lamborghini says, "I just saw my wife riding through the streets of Heaven on roller skates!"
So a guy gets a motorcycle with authentic leather seats, and the dealer tells him, "Dude, the rain will ruin the seats. Get it under something if it starts raining, and worst-case scenario, put Vaseline all over the seats to make it waterproof." So he goes to his girlfriend's house that night for dinner, and before he goes inside, she says, "Listen, this is your first time meeting my parents. We have a rule: the first one to speak has to do the dishes." So he walks inside and sees a mountain of dishes, over three months' worth, because no one has spoken, and the stench is awful.
During dinner, he concocted a plan to get someone to speak, so he started doing all of this crazy shit to try and get someone to speak. Not a peep. Eventually, he grabs his girlfriend, bends her over, and starts going to town. Still nothing. The parents are outraged but not speaking because they don't want to do the dishes. After about a minute of this, he walks away and does the same to her mum and starts going to town. Now the dad is pissed and just staring him down with daggers. At that moment, it starts to rain. He remembers his motorcycle is out in the rain, and he grabs the Vaseline out of his pack pocket, and the dad goes, "FINE! I'LL DO THE DISHES!"
What are kidnappers' favorite shoes? White vans.
Q: What is red, white, and blue and fun to watch?
A: A cop car rolling over after trying to catch someone for speeding.
A cop pulls me over and asks if I have been drinking.
I'm an honest person and say yes, I did, so I take off my sunglasses and tell him that I now had 2 glasses less.
What's yellow but can't swim?
A bus full of children.
Your teeth are so spread out my mom can drive her car through the gap in your teeth.
Why do sisters have to be in a relationship? Because you don’t have to worry about your car.
Kids in the backseat make accidents, but accidents in the backseat make kids.
Why did the bike fall over?
'Cause it was wheely tired.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
It didn't, I hit it with my car 3 blocks down.
Pinto?
What's a kidnapper's favorite shoe?
White Vans.
What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?
"Where is my tractor?"
What vehicle does a frog 🐸 drive?
The Beetle!
Why did the pedo stop to help the little kids cross the street?
To get them in his van.