What time is it when you can drive a house? Time to get a wheelchair.
A cement mixer has collided with a prison van. Motorists are asked to look out for 16 hardened criminals.
One day a man was fixing a car, and he accidentally got brake oil in his mouth. He was about to spit it out, but then he thought, "Hmm, this tastes pretty good!" So he would keep drinking brake oil. But his friends were getting worried about him, and they were like, "Dude, this can't be healthy." But he said, "Don't worry. I can STOP anytime."
What did the turtle do when he ran out of gas?
He went to the Shell station.
What do you call a dead woman in the back of your car?
Idk, I just have a couple in the backseat.
What's the difference between Stephen and a car? A car loses oil, Stephen loses the ability to walk.
Robin: "The car's not working."
Batman: "Did you check the battery?"
Robin: "What's a tery?"
What's the difference between a Lamborghini and an erection? I don't have a Lamborghini.
A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
What was the name of the Mexican that lost his car?
Carlos.
A policeman walks up to a van with two priests and says, "We're looking for two child molesters."
The priests both look at each other for a moment and then say, "Okay, we'll do it."
I work in a garage, and yesterday a gay person came up to me and said, "Why won't my car go straight?"
What does Johnny Depp hate about driving a car?
He can't drink and drive.
I'm actually against abortion.
Just go to the car wash and tell 'em you ate too much red pasta!
Are you a white van? Because I would love to put children in you.
Paul's favorite car.
A Carrera GT.
Mom tells her son to go to the other kid, to walk to the kid just standing still, to clap so the kid can hear and move out of the way of the car.
But her son was blind, the other kid had no legs so he couldn't walk, and the kid has no arms so he couldn't clap, and the kid died because he couldn't hear; he was deaf.
Does Lightning McQueen get life insurance or car insurance?
Today was the worst day ever! My brother got run over, and I lost my driver's license!
Cindy goes up to her dad and says: "Daddy, can I have $100 for a new dress?"
Her dad almost gags and says: "$100! You're only 12, what do you want with such an expensive dress?"
Cindy says: "Well daddy, I'll look really pretty in it and I promise to look after it ..."
Dad gives in and says: "OK, give me a head-job then".
He flops it out and Cindy just get the end in her mouth and goes: "Eeee-yooo - that taste's like shit!"
Dad goes: "Well, your brother wanted to borrow the car this afternoon ..."
