Use jokes

There is a man in the hospital. The power went out, and the man was stabbed to death. There are three witnesses: the nurse who was with another patient, the doctor who was reading some paperwork, and The Who who was at the vending machine. Who killed the man?

The mom did, because you can’t use a vending machine when the power's out!

Do you know you’re supposed to wash your sex toys after you use them?

I guess that’s why Catholics invented baptism.

How do you stop your newspaper from flying away in the wind? -- Use a news anchor.

Bleach solves so many problems:

Stains, dirty dishes, messes, and overpopulation of orphans.

What do Michelangelo and Kurt Cobain have in common? They both used their brains to paint the ceiling.

What does the Trump administration use instead of emails? Alternative fax.

What does Michael Jackson and McDonald's have in common?

They both use 30-year-old meat in between two-year-old buns.

Bro used the quadratic formula to calculate the velocity of your -234 going down hairline.

You're so skinny that your mom had to use a whole shampoo bottle on your head, but she still couldn’t find you.

Please stop using this thread. It is cancer.

How can you tell if your husband is dead?

The sex is the same, but you get to use the remote.

My friend had this annoying little kid that always used to yell and scream when he didn't get what he wanted. I told my friend there's a new attraction a few states away he could take him to.

Confused, my friend asked me what it was. I told him, "The Sandy Hook Experience: Where you come in and leave with a 'hole' lot of fun."

A man finds his son climbing the roof of his house. The kid kept using all sorts of material to climb up, but the dad didn't pay much attention.

Next day the kid went to the state tower and kept climbing using some adhesive gloves. The dad asks his son for a second time: "Son! Why are you doing this?" The son replies: "You told me to aim up high!"

Daughter: Hey Dad, can I use your car?

Dad: Sure, but first you have to give me a blow job."

Daughter: Okay, (proceeds to service dad). Dad, ewww, your dick tastes like shite!"

Dad: Oh, that's right, I lent your brother the car.

I posted up on my story that I got a new cut. My friends and family called the cops...

I used to be emo.

What do whales use to rub out a mistake in their homework? Their blubber.

What kind of paper towel do they use in special education classrooms?

Downey.

What phone do midgets use?

A MICROphone.

I used to get pushed and called lazy in school.

Man, I loved that wheelchair.

Why are Palestinian boys so eager to grow a beard?

So they can use their mum's ID to get in the club.