US jokes

Little Johnny was late to school one day, and Miss Brown asks, "Johnny, how come you're late to class?" And Johnny says, "Miss, you wouldn't believe it. The farmer's bull got out and started fucking the white cow." Miss Brown said, "Johnny, don't use that word. Next time you want to say that, use the word 'surprised'."

The next day Johnny was late again, and Miss Brown said, "Johnny, why are you late?" And Johnny replied, "Miss, you wouldn't believe it. The farmer's bull got out and 'surprised' the white cow." Miss Brown said, "That's much better, Johnny." And Johnny said, "Yeah, walked straight passed it and started fucking the black one."

My teacher asked us what sex is. My friend, Bobby, got up and said in a loud, clear voice, "Sex is a temptation caused by a sensation, where a boy puts his location into a woman's destination to increase the population of the next generation. Do you understand my explanation, or do you need a demonstration?" The teacher shot him 23 times before she fainted.

What do the twin towers and genders have in common? They used to be two, but now they're a sensitive subject.

Why do orphans use water with their cereal? Because their dad never came back with the milk.

What fits neatly into a hole, slides nicely between breasts, and if used wrong could choke someone? A seatbelt.

Why are emos useful in stores? A: Their barcodes give them discounts.

Why does no one die a virgin? Cause life fucks us all.

My grandma used to beat the hell out of me for coming home late. Guess who's late now?

What do the Twin Towers and genders have in common?

There used to be two, but now it's a sore subject.

Why don’t Asians use phones?

Cuz they wing da wrong number!!!

How do you know if someone is anorexic? You toss them a onion ring and see if they eat it, or use it as a hula hoop.

Depressed people have beautiful smiles. Okay, it's not a joke for normal people, but it's a joke for us.

I used to have a goldfish which breakdanced on the floor. But only for like twenty seconds.

I'm so skinny, I could use floss as a noose.

Yo mama so fat, she uses a mattress as a diaper.

Your mamma so fat she has to use the equator as her belt.

Do you know you’re supposed to wash your sex toys after you use them?

I guess that’s why Catholics invented baptism.

One day a man dies and goes to heaven. He gets there and sees a bunch of clocks. He asks Jesus, "Hey, what are the clocks for?" Jesus replies, "They move every time you sin." "This is Mother Teresa's, it has not moved so she has not sinned." "This one is Abraham Lincoln's, it has moved twice so he sinned twice." The man asks, "Where is Joe Biden's?" Jesus replies, "It's in my office-- I'm using it as a ceiling fan."

The US Navy Atlantic Fleet is closing in on the North American shores. Suddenly a blip on the radar appears and the radio starts crackling:

"Hello, please divert to 5° East to avoid collision. Thank you."

The commander starts answering:

"No, you divert 5° West to avoid collision. Over!"

"Sorry, sir, you are the one who should divert to 5° East! Over!"

"Listen to me, you asshole! We are the USS Washington, and we have an entire fleet at our disposal, and be sure we'll use all means necessary to keep ourselves safe!"

After a moment of silence, the radio crackled again:

"In case you still haven't figured out, we can't move BECAUSE THIS IS A LIGHTHOUSE!"

A man died and went to heaven. Here he met Jesus. There were two clocks. The man asked, "What's with the clocks?" Jesus answered, "This is Mother Theresa's clock. She has not lied, so the clock hasn't moved. This is Abraham Lincoln's clock; he's only lied twice, so it's moved twice." "Where's Donald Trump's?" the man asked. Jesus replied: "It's in my office. I'm using it as a ceiling fan."