US jokes

My grandma used to beat the hell out of me for coming home late. Guess who's late now?

Why do orphans use water with their cereal? Because their dad never came back with the milk.

Why are emos useful in stores? A: Their barcodes give them discounts.

What fits neatly into a hole, slides nicely between breasts, and if used wrong could choke someone? A seatbelt.

What do the twin towers and genders have in common? They used to be two, but now they're a sensitive subject.

What do the Twin Towers and genders have in common?

There used to be two, but now it's a sore subject.

Why does no one die a virgin? Cause life fucks us all.

Why don’t Asians use phones?

Cuz they wing da wrong number!!!

I used to have a goldfish which breakdanced on the floor. But only for like twenty seconds.

Depressed people have beautiful smiles. Okay, it's not a joke for normal people, but it's a joke for us.

Yo mama so fat, she uses a mattress as a diaper.

Your mamma so fat she has to use the equator as her belt.

I'm so skinny, I could use floss as a noose.

Do you know you’re supposed to wash your sex toys after you use them?

I guess that’s why Catholics invented baptism.

One day a man dies and goes to heaven. He gets there and sees a bunch of clocks. He asks Jesus, "Hey, what are the clocks for?" Jesus replies, "They move every time you sin." "This is Mother Teresa's, it has not moved so she has not sinned." "This one is Abraham Lincoln's, it has moved twice so he sinned twice." The man asks, "Where is Joe Biden's?" Jesus replies, "It's in my office-- I'm using it as a ceiling fan."

The US Navy Atlantic Fleet is closing in on the North American shores. Suddenly a blip on the radar appears and the radio starts crackling:

"Hello, please divert to 5° East to avoid collision. Thank you."

The commander starts answering:

"No, you divert 5° West to avoid collision. Over!"

"Sorry, sir, you are the one who should divert to 5° East! Over!"

"Listen to me, you asshole! We are the USS Washington, and we have an entire fleet at our disposal, and be sure we'll use all means necessary to keep ourselves safe!"

After a moment of silence, the radio crackled again:

"In case you still haven't figured out, we can't move BECAUSE THIS IS A LIGHTHOUSE!"

A man died and went to heaven. Here he met Jesus. There were two clocks. The man asked, "What's with the clocks?" Jesus answered, "This is Mother Theresa's clock. She has not lied, so the clock hasn't moved. This is Abraham Lincoln's clock; he's only lied twice, so it's moved twice." "Where's Donald Trump's?" the man asked. Jesus replied: "It's in my office. I'm using it as a ceiling fan."

"My grandmother used to tell us a joke. She’d say, "Knock knock." We’d say, "Who’s there?" Then she’d say, "I can’t remember"... and start to cry."

My husband told me he just came into a lot of money.

Weird, he usually uses a sock.

What do people that can only use half their face and wankers have in common?

They have both had a few strokes.