US jokes

"My grandmother used to tell us a joke. She’d say, "Knock knock." We’d say, "Who’s there?" Then she’d say, "I can’t remember"... and start to cry."

My husband told me he just came into a lot of money.

Weird, he usually uses a sock.

How do you trick a homophobic heterosexual male that is a Roman Catholic priest into using the glory hole inside the men's restroom at a gay bar?

Tell him that it is a confessional booth.

Yo mama so fat, she has to use pillowcases for socks.

A kid named Timmy said to his dad that he had sex with his teacher, and his dad was proud of him and gave him a bike.

The kid said, "I can't use it; my butt hurts!"

When we were kids, we used to be afraid of the dark.

But when we grew up, the electricity bill made us afraid of the light!

I was thrown out of the charity food kitchen on my first night of volunteering.

All I said was, "Hurry up, some of us got homes to go to..."

A white woman was caught on video using racial slurs and assaulting two black students. She was charged with "interpreting" a black police officer.

What do genders and the Twin Towers have in common? There used to be 2, but now they're a sensitive topic...

What do people that can only use half their face and wankers have in common?

They have both had a few strokes.

I used to believe everything in the Bible until I read about the Jew giving out the free fish.

What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?

Tell her to slow down and use lubricant.

I have a better method of abortion than currently used. It's like a regular one, except you can get free food out of it... We're about to give baby-back ribs a whole new meaning.

Two guys were beating up someone in an alley, so I stepped in to help.

He didn't stand a chance against the three of us.

I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey, but then I turned myself around.

What do genders and the Twin Towers have in common?

There used to be two, now it’s a sensitive subject.

Why can’t orphans use a phone? Because they can't find the home button.

I used to date a girl with a lazy eye. Turns out she was seeing someone else the whole time.

Yo forehead so big, an airplane can use that as a runway!

You know I used to call my dogs' balls the Twin Towers, until they came rumbling down.