3 europeans come to America. They all get captured by native americans and they want to kill them. But the europeans beg to have their lives spared. The native americans agreed to not kill them on one condition: the europeans must go into the forest and bring back a fruit and they will be informed what to do with it. So the first guy comes back with a peach. The native american says "Shove it up your ass, if you laugh we kill you." So, he shoves the peach up his ass and he laughs, and the native americans kill him. The second guy comes back with a grape. The native american tells him the same thing. He laughs and the native american kills him. They both see eachother in heaven and the first guy says to the second guy, "I had a peach and peaches are fuzzy so thats why I laughed, but you had a grape, what happened?" The second guy says, “Oh yea I was doing just fine until I saw the other guy come back with a pineapple!”
Why do programmers always mix up Halloween and Christmas? - Because Oct 31 == Dec 25
Did you hear about the dyslexic wanna-be bank robber? He walked in and yelled "HANDS UP, THIS IS A MOTHER STICKING F##K UP! The lucky idiot got away because nobody could stop laughing!
An old professor’s class used, to begin with, a dirty joke. Following one particularly vulgar joke, the girls in the class decided to walk out the next time he began. When the professor learned of this planned protest, he came in the next morning and said, “Good morning, class. Did you hear about the scarcity of wh*res in Newfoundland?” With that, all the women stood up and headed for the door. “Wait, ladies,” called the professor, “The boat doesn’t leave until tomorrow!”
Why was Stephen hawking always bullied? Because he couldn’t stand up for himself
Americans don't like playing chess with muslims, last time they did play they ended up losing two towers.
So my friends birthday was coming up, so I got him a new box to live in.
Q. Why did sally get beat up? A. She couldn’t fight back.
Jack and Jill went up a hill
To pick some dill
Jack slid down the hill and hurt his leg of skill
And he needed a painkiller pill
On my 21st Birthday my mom told me I got a nice birthday present for you. As the son and only child your going to to get something good and something you been looking forward to is what my mom said. Me my mom and my on;y friend celebrate my Birthday then we all went to sleep I woke up the next day I ask hey where my gift you said you got me. My mom said since your father left us you have have no father figure in your life. So this is your new step father the only thing it was my only friend.
A man is standing on the side of the road, waiting to cross, when another man stands alongside him, the first man says, " I have been waiting to cross here for ages, its impossible to cross " the second man says, "there is a zebra crossing up the road", he said, "I hope he is having better luck than I am".
One weekend some distant family members that I hadn't met before came over. My cousins (who I also hadn't met before) were fighting, so I decided to separate them and place them in opposite corners of the room (thinking it would help).
My mom took me to an empty room with tears in her eyes, and told me they both ended up dying.
Well, SO-RRY but I didnt know they're conjoined twins.
If your ever bored just beat up a orphan, what are they gonna do tell their parents
Never gonna give, never gonna give (Give you up) We've known each other for so long Your heart's been aching, but You're too shy to say it Inside, we both know what's been going on We know the game and we're gonna play it I just wanna tell you how I'm feeling Gotta make you understand Never gonna give you up Never gonna let you down Never gonna run around and desert you Never gonna make you cry Never gonna say goodbye Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you. mucho_mango: just woke up from my dream what was that.
A Chinese boy never met his parents after they were killed in WW2, so when he learned where they were buried he quickly rushed there.
He sat down in front of their graves and prayed "I want to see your face again mommy...". A miracle happened, his mother rose up from the graves and hugged him.
The boy cried then said "I want to see you too dad". He looked at his father's grave but nothing happened
Suddenly a Japanese soldier came up behind him and asked "were you looking for me?"
The sun isn’t the only thing rose up this morning....
My friend asked me to round up here 37 sheep.
I said “40”
