Short girl: "How do you see up there?"
Tall guy: "Who said that?"
I spit my drink out and then ran away.
Helen threw up gang signs her whole life and didn't know.
What did one butt cheek say to the other butt cheek?... You crack me up.
Why do girls rub their eyes after they wake up in the morning? because they don't have balls to scratch.
There once was a man named Dave who dug up a prostitutes grave, she was as moldy as shit and missing a tit, but think of all the money he saved
Q: How do you get a squirrel to like you? A: Act like a nut! 😂
Q: Why don't eggs tell jokes? A: Because they'd crack each other up.
Son: Dad, can you put my shoes on? Dad: No, son, I don't think they would fit me.
I'm on a seafood diet. When I see food, I eat it.
I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.
Foxy the fox was a careless fox. She didn't care about her friend Froggy.
Froggy was a careful frog. One day, Froggy decided to teach the fox a lesson.
Foxy was in her bed sleeping when Froggy made her room an entire mess. She got up, and then her mother berated her for not cleaning her room. From now on, she is a careful fox.
A man from France, a man from Britain, and a man from New York are on an expedition to the Amazon Forest. After a while, they get lost. As they are walking, suddenly the bushes jump up into the air, and men with spears are there.
One man says, "Hey, you're in our sacred land. So, what we are going to do is skin you and then use your flesh to make canoes. But we aren’t that crazy, so we will let you choose how you die."
The man from France said, "Bring me the poison."
The man from Britain said, "Bring me the gun."
And the man from New York said, "Bring me a fork."
The guy was confused with the fork but still brought the items and gave them to them. The guy from France said, “For France!” and drank the poison and died. The man from Britain said, “Long live the Queen!” and shot himself and died. And the man from New York started stabbing himself with the fork and said, “MAKE A CANOE OUT OF THIS YOU FUCKERS!”
My dad was a roof cleaner and I'm dedicating this to him, so dad, if you're up there!
I love breakups. My ex-girlfriends always end up in pieces.
A farmer counted 196 cows in the field.
But when he rounded them up, he had 200.
I went up to a priest and asked if he participated in NNN. He replied, "How can I, with all these people calling me daddy?"
A person laughs every day.
"Man," they say, "I'm glad I'm not an egg, otherwise I'd just CRACK MYseLf uP!"
Me and my girlfriend broke up, so I took her wheelchair, and she came crawling back.
What do the Twin Towers and genders have in common?
No one shuts up about them.
Tip for Kindness for the day.
Tip one. Always speak up for yourself.
Yes, letting someone else speak up for you is nice but also speak up for yourself, be brave if a mean bully comes along. Speak up for yourself and others if they need it. Best, Gwen
What do a gay man and a tumbleweed have in common?
They blow and blow until they wind up on a fence in Wyoming.
So, I was in the bathroom at school washing up, and this girl walked out of the stall and she was like, "Hey, can you make me laugh? I have been having a pretty bad day." And I was like, "Sure." I was like, "Come here." So she came over to me. I was like, "Girl, look at yourself in the mirror." And she started laughing so hard, and she said, "I'm so ugly."
Teacher: What does a cow say?
Susie: Moo.
Teacher: Good. Now what does a duck say?
Jimmy: The duck goes quack.
Teacher: Now what does a pig say?
Little Jonny: A pig says, "Get up against the wall, you black motherfucker!"
When I was acting up, my mother used to tell me, "I brought you into this world, and I will take you out. I gave you life, and I can also take it." So my son was acting up and talking back to me. Now I'm being charged with murder. I don't understand. I thought it was okay to kill your own kids.
