Ups jokes
I don't call it arson. I call it warming up.
I beat up a deaf kid the other day. I had to. He kept throwing up gang signs.
I was given my electronics test today. Turns out it was given to me 'cause I have the same name as someone who got 54/59. I actually got my hopes up, too.
A young boy walked up to his dad and asked, "Daddy, why are you banned from coming to elementary school?"
The dad calmly replies, "Because that's how I met your mother."
What did the blonde say when someone says, "Your baby is so cute?"
"For the last time, I don't want to sign up my child for Tindergarten just yet!"
A guy stuffed some cigarettes up his eyes thinking it would make him see colors.
The next day, he could see only one color... black.
He never has a bad day because he always wakes up on both sides of the bed.
I'm really bored and I don't know what's up with Prince. He isn't talking to me.
And Freshfry, why are you so mean now?
My stepdad took me to work, and he told me I could climb trees.
I woke up in a hospital. Wait, did I mention that my stepdad was a lumberjack?
One time there was a depressed man standing in the middle of a train track. A girl said, "Excuse me, can you move, please? I'm trying-" Then the man stopped her sentence and said, "How is your t-shirt so clean?" Then she said back, "Easy, hung it up."
Old woman: You are such a darling child. Please come and see me again next year.
A year later, as child walks up to the door of the old lady's house...
Old woman: Oh my! Goodness sakes, child! Have you grown, or have I shrank???
Child: Both.
My 3 year old sister kept saying, "I like your cut, G." Every time she does, I dodge and close my eyes, but she's the one who always ends up running.
6 looks like someone facing up.
9 looks like someone facing down.
69 looks like 2 people sucking each other's dicks.
This morning I woke up, then took a bath with some chocolate mud. At first, when I turned the damn flossers on, I noticed it wasn't water. It was all chocolate mud, and now my body is all chocolatey.
Two whores are watching the sun come up, splitting a bottle of Mad Dog and celebrating another night of servicing the general public. One asks the other: "Say. You ever been picked up by the fuzz?"
Her friend thinks it over, "No...but I have been swung around by the tits a few times!"
The daughter walks up to her father and asks him, "Dad, can I ask you something?"
The father says, "Of course, what's your question?"
The daughter replies and asks, "How do you feel about abortion?"
The father says, "Why don't you ask your sister?"
The daughter replies, "I don't have a sis-"
A man goes to the doctor. Says he's depressed. Says life seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world.
Doctor says: "Treatment is simple. The great clown - Pagliacci - is in town. Go see him. That should pick you up."
Man bursts into tears, says "But doctor... I am Pagliacci."
I went to visit my friend who is a stand up comedian and I asked him, "Why do you have so much art supplies, clothing fabrics, and building supplies in your basement?"
He responded with, "I don't know what it is people think I need it all for, but almost every time I perform, people tell me I need new material!"
A teacher wanted to teach her students about self-esteem, so she asked anyone who thought they were stupid to stand up. One kid stood up, and the teacher was surprised. She didn’t think anyone would stand up, so she asked him, “Why did you stand up?” He answered, “I didn’t want to leave you standing up by yourself.”
The other day I went on a romantic cruise in Hawaii. Then I met my girl Zendaya on board. She was shaking her ass and playing with her penis. Then she asked me, "Hey, you wanna make love in the cabin?" I said, "Sure, sweet thang," gave me her number, kissed me on the cheek. Next day she woke up because it was a romantic nightmare.