Ups Jokes

Your hairline is so messed up, I thought a 2-year-old cut you up!

He was in a fight, then a person said, "Stand up for yourself!"

The Ruler of Varvona wanted a fruitcake, but his subjects showed up at his castle with a Christian instead.

And he said: "NO, NO, NO! YOU IMBECILES! NOT THAT KIND OF FRUITCAKE!"

I told Siri about my dog, and she told me if she could tell me a joke to cheer me up, and I said okay.

She asked me, "Knock knock." I said, "Who is there?" She said, "Not your dog."

Today, a kid in a wheelchair was rolling around the class to get away from this one annoying kid, so I told him, "Brayden, just get up and walk away."

A man in a white racing suit looks shocked and slightly concerned with a crowd of people in the background. The text reads, "Me after realizing that I'm the only one who showed up naked to the 'gender reveal' party."

I posted up on my story that I got a new cut. My friends and family called the cops...

I used to be emo.

Suicide really isn't something to joke about, unless it's hanging yourself.

It's a really quicker way to die, and less blood spilled for your mother to clean up.

What goes down but not up?

An emo.

Don't give up on your dreams...

Keep sleeping.

A boy walks up to a girl and says, "I would tell you a joke about my dick, but it’s too long."

Then the girl says, "Yeah, I would tell you a joke about my pussy, but you’ll never get it."

I'm really bored and I don't know what's up with Prince. He isn't talking to me.

And Freshfry, why are you so mean now?

My stepdad took me to work, and he told me I could climb trees.

I woke up in a hospital. Wait, did I mention that my stepdad was a lumberjack?

6 looks like someone facing up.

9 looks like someone facing down.

69 looks like 2 people sucking each other's dicks.

A young boy walked up to his dad and asked, "Daddy, why are you banned from coming to elementary school?"

The dad calmly replies, "Because that's how I met your mother."

A guy stuffed some cigarettes up his eyes thinking it would make him see colors.

The next day, he could see only one color... black.

I had a dream that I was destroying the world, and I blew up my house for fun. I woke up and couldn't find my pillow... nor the house.

I was in an audition for the lead role of movie "Aquaman." The Director told me to dive into a pool. Then outta nowhere Penaldo showed up and made a big dive into the pool. The director was impressed and selected Penaldo for the movie.

Shame on you Penaldo for destroying my dream!