Ups jokes

A guy walks into a bar. He sees a hot girl. He walks up to her and says, "You're getting laid tonight." She replies, "What are you, some sort of psychic?" He says, "No, I'm just stronger than you."

Two cannibals are eating a clown, when one cannibal looks up and asks the other cannibal: "Does he taste funny to you?"

Say what you want about pedophiles, but at least they don't shoot up schools.

My midget landlord told me to pack my things up and that I've got 30 minutes to get out. That's short notice!

Yesterday in my dream I ate a ten pound marshmallow, when I woke up, my pillow was gone.

One day, a priest loses his cock (chicken). He goes to the church and says, "Who has seen a cock?" All the women raised their hands. "No, who has seen a cock that is not theirs?" Half the women's hands went up. "No, no, no, who has seen my cock?" All the nuns' hands went up.

I almost had a joke about Parkinson's disease, but I was too shaken up to say it.

A proud new dad sits down with his own father.

His father says, "Son, you now have a child of your own, so I think it's time I gave you this." And so, he pulls out a book: 1001 Dad Jokes.

The young man says, "Dad, I'm honored," as tears well up in his eyes.

His father says, "Hi, Honored, I'm Dad."

Friend: I broke up with Sara.

Me: I know, she came over and I screwed her hard.

Friend: How did her pussy feel?

Me: After about 2 inches, it felt brand new.

Friend: What do you— HOLD UP. WHAT TF IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN!?!

A guy starts chatting to a pretty woman at a party.

Seeing that she didn't back off, he asked her name. "Carmen," she replied. "That's a nice name," he said, warming up the conversation. "Who named you, your mother?"

"No, I named myself," she answered.

"Oh, that's interesting. Why Carmen?"

"Because I like cars, and I like men," she said, looking directly into his eyes. "So what's your name?" she asked.

‘BJ Titsngolf’

A blind guy walks into a bar with his seeing eye dog. He then picks his dog up by the tail and starts to swing him around. The bartender asks him, "Hey man, what the hell you doing?"

Blind guy says, "Just looking around."

I was in a public bathroom in a handicap stall, and when I got out, a handicapped man told me that I was an a**hole. I told him, "Bet you won't stand up and say that to my face," and then he broke down.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to have a little fun.

Jack got mad and kicked Jill in the ass because she couldn't make him cum.

911, what's your emergency?

Me: My grandma just passed out in the living room and I think she's dead.

Well, it's not a living room anymore.

Me: Hangs up.

What do you get when you mix up a group of emos?

Suicide squad.

I hooked up with the groom at my uncle's wedding.

Jesus walks into a motel, throws 3 nails on the counter, and says, "Can you put me up for a night?"

What do you call an orphan who grows up and becomes a priest?

Father Les.

Yo mama is so stupid, she shoved two double A batteries up her butt and said, “I’ve got the power!”

My wife accused me of being a cross-dresser, so I packed up her clothes and left.