Ups jokes

A man wakes up from his operation, and the doctor says, "I have bad news and good news, what do you want to hear first?"

The man says, "Bad," so the doctor says, "During the surgery, your girlfriend decided to leave a message that she’s leaving you for another man."

The man says, "What’s the good then?" And the doctor says, "I’m picking her up at 7."

I wasn't planning on going on a run, but those cops showed up out of nowhere.

I was walking today and I saw an emo with a noose looking up at a tree. I simply said, "Hang on there, bud!"

So the teacher goes up to you and says, "I'm going to call your parents." Me: "Good luck finding them."

He is looking for children. If you don't know who EDP445 is, look him up.

Be careful around EDP445.

If Iron Man and Quicksilver teamed up,

They would be alloys.

What's the best response to a girl saying, 'What's up?'

'If I tell you, will you sit on it?'

My friend and I were joking about a kid in a wheelchair, and another kid came up and said to the wheelchair kid, "You should stand up for yourself."

My girlfriend just broke up with me for talking about video games too much. What a stupid thing to Fallout 4.

So the other day, I was looking up zodiac sign stuff, you know, I'm a real big fan of that, and I come across this thing and it’s like all zodiac signs have their own hairstyles... except Cancer.

Why should you be wary of stairs? -- Because they are always up to something.

A man is sitting on a bench at a playground where children are playing. A man named Chris comes up and asks, “Which one is yours?” The man said, “I don’t know, I’m still deciding.”

I bought my son a fridge for Christmas. I can't wait to see his face light up when he opens it.

The gas prices are going up so much that even Hitler is killing himself.

Pickup line; Hey mama, you school? Cuz I'd like to shoot some kids up in you.

So, a guy is evading the draft. The cops bang on his door, and he runs out the back, through an alleyway onto a road. He finds a nun and asks if he can hide under her blouse. She complies, and the cops walk by and don't see them. The man comes back up from under the nun's blouse and says, "Hey man, you've got a pair of balls!" The nun says, "I didn't wanna be drafted either..."

When you accidentally wipe a little too hard and your finger goes up your bumhole, triggering flashbacks of when you were 10 and your uncle stayed a few weeks. 😂

Never attempt to foreshadow your own death, you may end up regretting it. You can chop me up and throw me in the fridge if I’m wrong.

What's the worst part of a Down Syndrome relationship? There's more downs than ups!

Once a woman suspected that her husband was fucking their daughter at night. So she made a plan. That night, she gave her daughter sleeping pills and told her husband that you go to sleep, I have a headache and I will sleep on the sofa in the drawing room today. After everyone slept, she picked up her sleeping daughter and laid her on the sofa and went to her bed and lay down. After an hour, the door of the room opened and one man entered the room and jumped on the bed and fucked her intensely for 2 hours. Then she turned on the light with the bed switch and said, "You definitely didn't expect me." "I definitely didn't expect you, MOM! But you are more delicious than sister"! Her son replied in surprise!