Ups Jokes

A farmer walks up to his farmer neighbor with a jug of milk. the farmer says "I milked your cow". the neighbor replies "i have a bull not a cow"

Billy: *spits out food*

Mom: BILLY! We swallow what we have in our mouths.

Dad: *looks at mom*

Mom: Shut up

If you get you get it

Remember kids if ur ever mad beat up an orphan what are they gonna do call their mom??

Why was sally at the hospital after her parents left? Because they put her up for adoption.

I called the Chinese takeaway yesterday A man picked up the phone and said: "Hello! I am wan kin the chef." I said that I'll come back later

Did you hear about the guy who got a tattoo of an octopus?

He got inked up.

How do you stop a baby from drowning?

-Lift up your foot

What time do butts get up? At the crack of dawn!!!

what's the difference between an onion and a baby? nobody cries when you cut up the baby.

Did you hear about the two-car pile-up in Mexico? Yeah like 200 Mexicans died.

Abner’s wife was laying on her death bed. She suddenly used all her strength to sit up and say to her husband, “I must tell you something, or my soul will never know peace. I have been unfaithful to you, Abner. In this very house, not one month ago.” “Hush, dear,” soothed Abner. “I know all about it. Why else have I poisoned you?”

Why did the dog 🐶 wake up tired?

It had a ruff night. 😂

People ALWAYS told me to open doors for elders. So I opened the plane door 5,000 feet up in the air for a grandma.

A Pedophile pulls up to little Jonny, lowers his window and asks, “hey little boy, if I give you a Lolly will you come in my car?” Little Jonny, “give me the whole packet and I’ll come in your mouth”