Ups Jokes

So the teacher goes up to you and says, "I'm going to call your parents." Me: "Good luck finding them."

He is looking for children. If you don't know who EDP445 is, look him up.

Be careful around EDP445.

I was walking today and I saw an emo with a noose looking up at a tree. I simply said, "Hang on there, bud!"

I wasn't planning on going on a run, but those cops showed up out of nowhere.

If Iron Man and Quicksilver teamed up,

They would be alloys.

A screenshot of a text message conversation. The first message says: "Just take a minute and think about Riley's retarded hair cut. Shut up look at your greasy ass hair." The next message says: "Have you not released I don't give a small singular shit about my hair." The following message says: "There's probably shit in your hair." Finally, the last messages read: "It looks better than whatever dead raccoon has been super glued onto your forehead. But Yeah probably."

So the other day, I was looking up zodiac sign stuff, you know, I'm a real big fan of that, and I come across this thing and it’s like all zodiac signs have their own hairstyles... except Cancer.

Why should you be wary of stairs? -- Because they are always up to something.

I bought my son a fridge for Christmas. I can't wait to see his face light up when he opens it.

Pickup line; Hey mama, you school? Cuz I'd like to shoot some kids up in you.

The gas prices are going up so much that even Hitler is killing himself.

So, a guy is evading the draft. The cops bang on his door, and he runs out the back, through an alleyway onto a road. He finds a nun and asks if he can hide under her blouse. She complies, and the cops walk by and don't see them. The man comes back up from under the nun's blouse and says, "Hey man, you've got a pair of balls!" The nun says, "I didn't wanna be drafted either..."

Never attempt to foreshadow your own death, you may end up regretting it. You can chop me up and throw me in the fridge if I’m wrong.

A man is sitting on a bench at a playground where children are playing. A man named Chris comes up and asks, “Which one is yours?” The man said, “I don’t know, I’m still deciding.”

I hooked up with the groom at my uncle's wedding.

This one kid never stands up for the pledge of allegiance, and I'm tired of it.

Today, I push him out of his wheelchair.

A Roman walks into a bar.

He holds up two fingers and says, "Give me five beers."

I stayed up all night trying to follow the sun... Then it dawned on me.

What's the worst part of a Down Syndrome relationship? There's more downs than ups!

Today, I dreamt about giving head to Johnny Depp.

Then I woke up and realized that I forgot to roll my windows up when passing through the New Jersey Turnpike.

Brian has a crush on a cute girl, Sally, from school, so he goes and tells his dad about her, and he says, "Sorry, son, you can't like her; she is your sister." So Brian is okay with it, and he starts to like another girl, Madison, and he goes up to his dad and says, "I have a crush on this girl, Madison," and again the dad goes, "Oh, sorry, son, you can't like any girl in school; they are all your sisters." So he goes crying to his mom and says, "Dad said I can't like any girl because they are all my sisters," and the mom goes, "Oh, it's okay; you can like any girl you want because he is not your dad."