Ups jokes

Jesus walks into a motel, throws 3 nails on the counter, and says, "Can you put me up for a night?"

Yo mama is so stupid, she shoved two double A batteries up her butt and said, “I’ve got the power!”

Once a woman suspected that her husband was fucking their daughter at night. So she made a plan. That night, she gave her daughter sleeping pills and told her husband that you go to sleep, I have a headache and I will sleep on the sofa in the drawing room today. After everyone slept, she picked up her sleeping daughter and laid her on the sofa and went to her bed and lay down. After an hour, the door of the room opened and one man entered the room and jumped on the bed and fucked her intensely for 2 hours. Then she turned on the light with the bed switch and said, "You definitely didn't expect me." "I definitely didn't expect you, MOM! But you are more delicious than sister"! Her son replied in surprise!

I was playing a tennis match against a girl and said, "I will fuck you up." She said, "Try me." So that's exactly what I did, and I won by forfeit as she ended up running away crying.

My wife accused me of being a cross-dresser, so I packed up her clothes and left.

What's the worst part of a Down Syndrome relationship? There's more downs than ups!

A man wakes up from his operation, and the doctor says, "I have bad news and good news, what do you want to hear first?"

The man says, "Bad," so the doctor says, "During the surgery, your girlfriend decided to leave a message that she’s leaving you for another man."

The man says, "What’s the good then?" And the doctor says, "I’m picking her up at 7."

Me: I look up to you.

Friend: Wow, thanks!

Me: But in general cuz your so tall.

If Iron Man and Quicksilver teamed up,

They would be alloys.

Is it still stand-up comedy if the comedian doesn't have legs?

My friend and I were joking about a kid in a wheelchair, and another kid came up and said to the wheelchair kid, "You should stand up for yourself."

I was walking today and I saw an emo with a noose looking up at a tree. I simply said, "Hang on there, bud!"

He is looking for children. If you don't know who EDP445 is, look him up.

Be careful around EDP445.

So the teacher goes up to you and says, "I'm going to call your parents." Me: "Good luck finding them."

I looked up "I have whiplash" on WebMD, and it diagnosed me with slavery.

What's the best response to a girl saying, 'What's up?'

'If I tell you, will you sit on it?'

I always enjoy family reunions.

It's always a good time meeting up with my exes.

So the other day, I was looking up zodiac sign stuff, you know, I'm a real big fan of that, and I come across this thing and it’s like all zodiac signs have their own hairstyles... except Cancer.

Why should you be wary of stairs? -- Because they are always up to something.

I bought my son a fridge for Christmas. I can't wait to see his face light up when he opens it.