Ups jokes

Why does Stephen Hawking do one-liners? -- Because he can't do stand up.

What's red and blue and runs up your leg?

A homesick miscarriage.

My syndrome may be down, but my hopes are always up.

What did the cannibal get when he showed up to the party late?

A cold shoulder.

How many feminists do you need to change a light bulb?

One. She puts the bulb up and waits for the world to revolve around her.

...just kidding-

- none. They can't change anything.

Some trans "woman" came up to me and told me to act my age so I told him to act his gender

One day, a girl was showering with her mom. She pointed at her mom's breasts and asked: "When can I get these?" Her mother replied: "In about 6 to 7 years when you grow up :)".

The other day, the girl's showering with her dad, and she pointed at his penis and asked: "When can I get this?" Her dad looked around and replied: "In about 20 minutes when your mom leaves the house."

A girl walks up to her dad to ask for a dress for prom and he says, "Suck my dick and I'll buy you a dress." She does it and says to him, "Dad, your dick tastes like shit." And he says, "Yeah, your brother wanted a car."

What do you call a school shooting survivor who grows up to be a prostitute on the West Coast?

A Sandy Hooker

An ICE agent tells a Mexican that he can get his green card if he can use green, pink, and yellow correctly in a sentence. The Mexican thinks for a minute and says, "My phone goes green, green, and I pink it up and say yellow."

My dog is called Syndrome. He jumps up at me and I shout, "Down, Syndrome! Down, Syndrome!"

Why are there more female history teachers than male?

Because women like to bring up the past.

(Best pick-up line ever). Your body is like 9/11. I wanna crash into your twin towers. 😏

Why is sucking cock inside the confessional booth the only thing that a catholic priest doesn't have to give up for lent?

Because catholic priests don't have to be vegetarians during lent.

Me: Wanna play a game?

Sister: Ya, what is it?

Me: Tic tac toe.

Sister:?

Takes out knife and rolls up sleeve.

Me: Tic tac toe.

How is a push-up bra like a bag of chips?

As soon as you open it, you realize it’s half empty.

My friend was in a crash, so when he got put in a wheelchair, people bullied him, so I told him to stand up for himself.

I told my friend that we should dress up as P. Diddy and Drake for Halloween and ask parents if their kid wants to come over for a sleepover.

Roses are red, your eyes are brown; never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down.

What do you call a gay drive-by?

A fruit roll up.