Ups Jokes

Roses are red, your eyes are brown; never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down.

Why is sucking cock inside the confessional booth the only thing that a catholic priest doesn't have to give up for lent?

Because catholic priests don't have to be vegetarians during lent.

(Best pick-up line ever). Your body is like 9/11. I wanna crash into your twin towers. 😏

Your friend walks up to you and shows you a picture of an overweight woman.

What would you rate this woman?

A 7.

Why?

Because 7 ate 9!

I told my mom to get rope for a project, and when she got home, I got the good old coat hanger out and hung myself up.

A text message conversation. The first message says, "What's up?" The second says, "Dude, you're going to kill me. I was a little drunk last night and talking to your wife and I ended up banging her car in the driveway when I pulled out. I think I hit your daughter's bike too. I'll come fix it later, but please say sorry for me to your wife." The third message says, "Not delivered". The last message says "and your daughter".

Me: Wanna play a game?

Sister: Ya, what is it?

Me: Tic tac toe.

Sister:?

Takes out knife and rolls up sleeve.

Me: Tic tac toe.

How is a push-up bra like a bag of chips?

As soon as you open it, you realize it’s half empty.

Two baked beans traveled around Australia.

They both ended up in Cairns.

Hey girl, are your pants a mirror? 'Cause I can see myself in them.

Teacher: "I'll call your mother."

Orphan: "Go on, see if she picks up."

My friend was in a crash, so when he got put in a wheelchair, people bullied him, so I told him to stand up for himself.

I was going to make a pun about math, but my answers never add up.

"Why did Susie fall off the swing?" "Because she had no arms."

"Why couldn’t she get up off the ground?" "Because she had no friends."

"Knock knock." "Who’s there?" "Not Susie, she’s still on the ground."

"Where did Susie go when the bomb went off?" "Everywhere."

"Why couldn’t Susie scratch her leg?" "Because it was in a different body bag."

"Why did Susie drop her ice cream?" "She was hit by a bus."

"Why did Susie fall off the swing?" "Someone threw a refrigerator at her."

My girlfriend dumped me today. Apparently, I don't stand up for her in fights. I don't care. She used to push me around all the time.

I broke up with my deaf girlfriend because she never listened to me.

Why can't an orphan sign up for adoption websites?

Parental Login: __________

Oh no, I feel bad for Stephen Hawking. He can’t get up the stairway to Heaven.

Three nuns had to go before Mother Superior. The first one goes up to her and she says, "Have you sinned?" "Yes, I have, Mother. I have stolen a bicycle." Okay, said Mother Superior. "Say 100 Hail Marys and dip your hand in the holy water." Up comes nun number two and she says she has sinned. "She slept with a married man." So Mother Superior says, "Okay, say 500 Hail Marys and dip your hand in the holy water and go on your way." The third nun comes up and she says, "I peed in the holy water!" 🤣😂🤣😂😁😁🌈