Ups jokes
What do you call a grown up with your sister? Your best friend.
One day, a cop pulls a van over, and when he walks up to the window, he sees ten penguins in the back.
The cop asks the man, “Are those your penguins?”
The man says, “Yes, they are my pets.”
The cop replies to the man, “You need to take them to the zoo right now.”
So the man agrees and drives off. The next day, the cop pulls over the same van, and he walks up to the window and sees the ten penguins all wearing sunglasses.
The cop says to the man, “I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo.”
The man says, “I did! Today, we are going to the beach!”
Why does Stephen Hawking do one-liners? -- Because he can't do stand up.
Sally threw herself a birthday party, and only one person showed up. Who is it?
The grim reaper.
What's red and blue and runs up your leg?
A homesick miscarriage.
Shep
My syndrome may be down, but my hopes are always up.
How many feminists do you need to change a light bulb?
One. She puts the bulb up and waits for the world to revolve around her.
...just kidding-
- none. They can't change anything.
One day, a girl was showering with her mom. She pointed at her mom's breasts and asked: "When can I get these?" Her mother replied: "In about 6 to 7 years when you grow up :)".
The other day, the girl's showering with her dad, and she pointed at his penis and asked: "When can I get this?" Her dad looked around and replied: "In about 20 minutes when your mom leaves the house."
A girl walks up to her dad to ask for a dress for prom and he says, "Suck my dick and I'll buy you a dress." She does it and says to him, "Dad, your dick tastes like shit." And he says, "Yeah, your brother wanted a car."
What do you call a school shooting survivor who grows up to be a prostitute on the West Coast?
A Sandy Hooker
An ICE agent tells a Mexican that he can get his green card if he can use green, pink, and yellow correctly in a sentence. The Mexican thinks for a minute and says, "My phone goes green, green, and I pink it up and say yellow."
My dog is called Syndrome. He jumps up at me and I shout, "Down, Syndrome! Down, Syndrome!"
Two priests walk into a store, and cops come up to them and say they’re looking for a child molester, and the priests both say, "I’ll do it!"
My husband is mad that I have no sense of direction, so I packed up my stuff and left. Right?
There is an Afghan Barbie; it’s a blow-up doll.
Your tits look heavy. Need help holding them up?
Free service for tit holding!
Why are there more female history teachers than male?
Because women like to bring up the past.
Me: Wanna play a game?
Sister: Ya, what is it?
Me: Tic tac toe.
Sister:?
Takes out knife and rolls up sleeve.
Me: Tic tac toe.
Roses are red, your eyes are brown; never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down.
What do you call a gay drive-by?
A fruit roll up.