Ups jokes

How is a push-up bra like a bag of chips?

As soon as you open it, you realize it’s half empty.

Two baked beans traveled around Australia.

They both ended up in Cairns.

Your friend walks up to you and shows you a picture of an overweight woman.

What would you rate this woman?

A 7.

Why?

Because 7 ate 9!

When you can’t see your adopted joke pop up, it’s the same as asking your adopted friend where their parents are and never finding it.

Jack and Jill went up the hill each with $20. Jill came down with $40. Fucking whore!!!!

I told my mom to get rope for a project, and when she got home, I got the good old coat hanger out and hung myself up.

Teacher: "I'll call your mother."

Orphan: "Go on, see if she picks up."

Hey girl, are your pants a mirror? 'Cause I can see myself in them.

Joker gives Batman a phone.

Thomas: "Uhh, son, we need to talk... about the uhh, dressing up."

Martha: "Hello dearie, Brucie, is it ok if you visit me when you go to Joker's house?"

I tore up my homework, but then I replaced it with this copy. It may look like it, but trust me, it's different! The answers ARE RIGHT, better than left!

Why does an orphanage stay overnight at a school? Cause their parents won't pick them up.

A fully grown bull Great White Shark is 15 feet long and can open its jaws up to 1.2 meters long. It could eat a small child in seconds. Anyways, I lost my job at the aquarium...

What do you call a gay drive-by?

A fruit roll up.

I told my friend that we should dress up as P. Diddy and Drake for Halloween and ask parents if their kid wants to come over for a sleepover.

Me: Wanna play a game?

Sister: Ya, what is it?

Me: Tic tac toe.

Sister:?

Takes out knife and rolls up sleeve.

Me: Tic tac toe.

Why is sucking cock inside the confessional booth the only thing that a catholic priest doesn't have to give up for lent?

Because catholic priests don't have to be vegetarians during lent.

I was going to make a pun about math, but my answers never add up.

How do you know if a Black woman is pregnant?

Stick a chicken wing up there.

I looked up "I have whiplash" on WebMD, and it diagnosed me with slavery.

What's the same with shoes and slaves?

When they get loose, you tie them up.