New Ups Jokes - Page 4 - Worst Jokes Ever

If someone licks your elbow, you won't feel it.

If you put your ear up to someone's leg, you can hear them say, "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!"

Your mama is so nasty.

She showed up to Red Lobster with her own crabs.

What did the man say in the morning after beating up his wife?

"I woke up Chris Breezy."

What do you call a gay drive-by?

A fruit roll up.

What does a paleontologist and woke people have in common?

They both enjoy digging up the past.

Today I'm attaching a light to the ceiling, but I'm afraid I'll probably screw it up.

I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X.

If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery... I’ll kill him with my bear hands.

My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, "I always have a few Twix up my sleeve."

How do you break up a fight between two gay men?

Say, "Can you get straight to the point?"

I don’t like to make jokes around dwarfs.

Simply because they look up to me.

A genealogist looks at the family tree.

A gynecologist looks up the family bush.

What do you do when a woman is choking?

Back up a couple inches.

You need a good place to think? You can sit on my lap, and we’ll see the first thing that pops up!

You must be ice cream because I wanna lick you up.

Are you feeling down? Because I’d happily feel you up.

One day a local pastor was visiting the home of some parishioners who had a teenage son. The parents were worried about what career their son would choose, so the pastor said he had a simple test that could predict what would become of him.

He would put three objects on a table and let the young man choose whichever one he wanted to have: a Bible, a wallet, and a bottle of scotch. If the boy chose the Bible, he would probably become a priest; if he chose the wallet, he'd be a banker; and if he chose the bottle, he'd become a worthless bum.

So the parents called their son into the room, and the pastor told him he could have whichever object he wished. When the boy promptly picked up all three, the pastor cried out, "Heaven forbid! He's going to be a Jesuit!"