Ups Jokes

What do you call a gay drive-by?

A fruit roll up.

What does a paleontologist and woke people have in common?

They both enjoy digging up the past.

Today I'm attaching a light to the ceiling, but I'm afraid I'll probably screw it up.

I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X.

If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery... I’ll kill him with my bear hands.

My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, "I always have a few Twix up my sleeve."

How do you break up a fight between two gay men?

Say, "Can you get straight to the point?"

I don’t like to make jokes around dwarfs.

Simply because they look up to me.

A genealogist looks at the family tree.

A gynecologist looks up the family bush.

What do you do when a woman is choking?

Back up a couple inches.

You need a good place to think? You can sit on my lap, and we’ll see the first thing that pops up!

You must be ice cream because I wanna lick you up.

Are you feeling down? Because I’d happily feel you up.

One day a local pastor was visiting the home of some parishioners who had a teenage son. The parents were worried about what career their son would choose, so the pastor said he had a simple test that could predict what would become of him.

He would put three objects on a table and let the young man choose whichever one he wanted to have: a Bible, a wallet, and a bottle of scotch. If the boy chose the Bible, he would probably become a priest; if he chose the wallet, he'd be a banker; and if he chose the bottle, he'd become a worthless bum.

So the parents called their son into the room, and the pastor told him he could have whichever object he wished. When the boy promptly picked up all three, the pastor cried out, "Heaven forbid! He's going to be a Jesuit!"

My girlfriend just broke up with me for talking about video games too much. What a stupid thing to Fallout 4.

Your mom is so dumb that somebody told her, "Go get a life," so she went to play Super Mario and got a 1-up.

What song did Michael Jackson come up with after his first sleepover with the kid?

"Just Beat It."

What do orphans and garbage have in common?

They’re both in the street, and no one wants to pick them up.

Every depressed person just has to say, "I WANT TO JUMP OFF THAT TALL BUILDING RIGHT THERE!" and then points to the building and runs up to it like an immature child, and then they get disappointed when they aren't allowed into the building.

The worst part about working for the department of unemployment is when you get fired, you still have to show up the next day.