Ups

Ups Jokes

A man sees a crying woman by a pond. She is in a wheelchair and has no arms or legs. He asks her why she is crying and she answers that she has never been hugged. Feeling pity, he hugs her then jogs away.

The next day he finds her crying again and she says she has never been kissed. The man kisses her and jogs away again.

On the third day the man sees her crying and asks her thrice. She tells him she has never been fucked. The man picks her up...and throws her in the pond telling her, "You're fucked now!"

My girlfriend told me she’s sad because she’s put on a bit of weight I told her to keep her chins up

I just went on a date with a woman in a wheelchair

I stood her up, which made her fall for me. At first it was a drag, but now we’re rolling

Someone: PLEASE EAT I DON'T WANT YOU TO DIE *Me tryna remember how long it would take me to die of starvation because ive already googled it and given up because it takes too long* Me: Na yeah I still have 19 days left

A girl in the shop was getting bullied she came to me saying I’m getting bullied I told her stand up for her self

Their were two friends talking one day Tim tells john " I THINK I'M GAY " john says to Tim what do you mean Tim says "WHEN I GROW UP I WANT TO DRESS LIKE A WOMEN AND SING KARAOKE IN A BAR AND CALL MYSELF" (GILLETTE THE BEST A MAN CAN GET) JOHN SAYS TO TIM I THINK YOUR RIGHT AND THANKS FOR REMINDING ME I NEED TO BUY RAZORS

Your moma so far that when she told a joke no one was laughing but the floor was literally cracking up😂😂😂😆😆😆

Chuck Norris came up with the name for Walker Texas Ranger in sheer brilliance. You can arrange each letter for the name of the show to display the true name being Wrangler Karate Sex!

😴 🛌 ⏰️ ✋️ If a gay male is married to a well-endowed physically challenged gay male that has been sleeping in bed for three hours nonstop, and he wants him to wake up do he can fix him his morning breakfast, how does he wake him up? Wake up sleeping Jesus by giving him a blowjob

Me: I been up all night, no sleep—

The lie detector I didn’t know I had: lie.

Me: stfu! I’m just singing!

Lie detector: you literally listen to music all the time... you almost don’t even sleep!

Me: THEN WHY THE FUCK DID TOU SAY IT’S A LIE, WHEN I SAID I DIDN’T SLEEP?!

lie detector: it’s 3:00 AM in 8 minutes, you usually close your eyes to sleep when it’s 5:00 AM....... You get waken up at 7:00 AM...... you only sleep two hours......

Me: What do we need from there? I have a few things to do before I head out to the store, and then I will be home to pick up the stuff.

Random person: What stuff?🤨

Me: What?

The person: you said you’re going to pick up “the stuff”!!! What do you mean by that?!

Me: colourful flamingo fart.

One day my kid with no arms came up to me and said, "Mom whats dark humor?" I thought about it than said, "Go wave to that blind person" and he just looked at me, confused, but angry.

What happened when a kid bullied an orphan? The orphan said I’m going to tell my mom Bully:I wanna see your mom Narrator:at that moment he new he messed up

This was my friends joke he wanted me to post;)

Arab rizz Are u a tower cause I wanna blow u up and don't let's your friend know about this Rashid I told u not to blow it up I had it

The greatest Arab pilot, my grandfather

What's the difference between a new born baby and an orphan after a rugby match?

They both come out bloody and crying, but least one gets picked up.