What do you do when a woman is choking? Back up a couple inches
You need a good place to think? You can sit on my lap, and weβll see the first thing that pops up!
You must be ice cream because I wanna lick you up.
Are you feeling down? Because Iβd happily feel you up.
One day a local pastor was visiting the home of some parishioners who had a teenage son. The parents were worried about what career their son would choose, so the pastor said he had a simple test that could predict what would become of him.
He would put three objects on a table and let the young man choose whichever one he wanted to have: a Bible, a wallet, and a bottle of scotch. If the boy chose the Bible, he would probably become a priest; if he chose the wallet, he'd be a banker; and if he chose the bottle, he'd become a worthless bum.
So the parents called their son into the room, and the pastor told him he could have whichever object he wished. When the boy promptly picked up all three, the pastor cried out, "Heaven forbid! He's going to be a Jesuit!"
My girlfriend just broke up with me for talking about video games too much. What a stupid thing to Fallout 4.
Your mom is so dumb, that somebody told her 'go get a life', she go play Super Mario, and get an 1-up.
What song did Michael Jackson come up with after his first sleepover with the kid? Just beat it
What do orphans and garbage have in common? Theyβre both in the street and no one wants pick them up
Every depressed person just has to say "I WANT TO JUMP OFF THAT TALL BUILDING RIGHT THERE" and then points to the building and runs up to it like an immature child and then they get disappointed when they aren't allowed into the building
The worst part about working for the department of unemployment is when you get fired you still have to show up the next day.
Yo mama so fat, when she went to a dating survice, they ended up matching her up with pittsburgh.
There is an afghan barbie; itβs a blow up doll
Where does bad light end up at? In Prism.
Gay gang members don't do drive bys they do fruit roll ups
When a "Baby on Board" sticker is a little faded and beat up, you know the kid is at least a year old, and the car is safe to ram
What's the difference between a cop and bacon?
Bacon is full of fat and makes you feel good a Cop is full of shit and will make you feel their hot steamy cock as they ram it up your ass with some justice sprinkled on top
I got written up on 'Take Your Daughter To Work Day.' Apparently, it only applies to daughters who are alive.
a guy on a bus saw a beautiful girl he asked for her number and of course, she said no, he asked the bus driver for advice and he said that girl goes to the cemetery to pray every day at 10 pm and look for a statue of an angel so he dresses up as god goes to the grave and she sees him she says oh lord end my misery kill me now and he said only if you do something for me first she replied what is it oh mighty lord he said to have sex with me she agreed they had sex and when she was done sucking his dick he said I have something to tell you he took of his costume and said I'm the guy from the bus and she took off her costume I'm the bus driver. (does anyone remember this it's an old joke someone made or does no one remember this I didn't make this but it went smth like this)
I would tell a 9/11 joke but it would probably go up in flames
