Ups jokes

Two Arabs are swapping jokes. One cracks up and yells, "Man, that joke was an absolute blast!"

Some sperm arrive in the uterus and see that the egg is already fertilized. They complain that they lost the race and have nothing to do but die.

One speaks up and says he isn't angry, and the others ask why.

"He thought he was going to be alive," the sperm says. "This chick works at an abortion clinic."

I would build you a monument so that you would finally come up with clever thoughts.

I always enjoy family reunions.

It's always a good time meeting up with my exes.

You should never suppress a fart. It travels up the spine high into the brain. That's where the shit ideas come from.

Every one is talking about glory holes, so I decided to look into one.

I was doing renovations on a house and found a wall with a glory hole. I was going to remodel it, but it's load bearing. I asked a gay carpenter how to fix this, and he advised that I check out the studs first to make sure they were uncut.

Eventually, I gave up and just put my nuts through the hole. Now they're walnuts.

Three girls were lined up for execution. The black-haired one, being the smart one, turned around and yelled, "Tornado!"

Everyone panicked, and she escaped. The red-headed one, following her example, shouted as the executioners got back, "Hurricane!"

The red-headed friend escaped too. Now, it was the blonde's turn. Following both her friends, she turned to the executioners and yelled:

"Fire!"

I woke up in my bed today.

I had an Alzheimer's joke, but something's fogging up my mind.

Roses are red,

Lilies are white,

One race ends up dead

And the other ends up bright.

I went to a handicapped comedy club, but all the jokes they told were special, and they didn't know a lot about stand-up at all.

Roses are tree.

I shoved a battery up my butt.

Loona from Helluva Boss is a retarded mutt.

A panda goes to see a hooker. He goes down on her, he mates with her, he ejaculates and then he attempts to walk away.

The working girl asks, "Aren't you going to pay me?"

She opens the dictionary to "Prostitute: One who sells sexual companionship for money."

The panda picks up the dictionary and turns to the definition "Panda: A marsupial who eats, roots, shoots, and leaves."

A small, nervous woman steps into a hotel elevator in Las Vegas.

At the next floor, three large, burly men step in. The woman is immediately intimidated and clutches her purse tightly.

Suddenly, one of the men says in a deep voice: "Hit the floor!"

Terrified that she is about to be robbed, the woman drops her bags and collapses face down onto the floor of the elevator, cowering in fear.

The men burst out laughing and help the bewildered woman up. The speaker apologizes profusely and says: "No, ma'am, I meant hit the button for our floor!"

The next morning, the woman receives a massive bouquet of roses and has her entire hotel bill paid for. Attached is a note that says: "Thanks for the best laugh I've had in years."

Yo mama so dumb she bought a toolkit to open up a Roth IRA.

How many Bay Street bankers does it take to change a light bulb?

In Toronto? One to hold it up and expect the entire country to revolve around them.

Your family is so messed up that they shared one brain cell to have you even exist.

I was looking forward to my date with this paraplegic girl, but she stood me up.

I don't joke about paraplegics; they wouldn't be able to stand up for themselves.

Australia needs YOUR help!

ISIS brides are coming to Australia! They need to go back to where they came from. Help us before they blow us up like the terrorists they are!