Why don’t scientists trust atoms?
Because they make up everything.
What did the calculator say to his friends? “You can count on me!”
Walk up to the quiet kid and tell him to hang in there. Trust me, you won’t regret it.
Hi, my name is Uncle Joe, and I like kids in a way that makes their parents not trust me anymore.
I don’t trust anyone who doesn’t feel like screaming.
Stop hating on pedophiles. At least they're good babysitters.
A man wakes from a coma. His wife changes out of her black clothes and, irritated, remarks, “I really cannot depend on you in anything, can I!”
"I'm sorry, Wendy, but I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die."
Why was Stephen Hawking never trusted when taking a quiz?
"No computers allowed on the test!"
I don't trust trees...they look shady.
If Jesus told you to trust everyone, that must be why there are a lot of kidnappings.
My BFF asked me: "You know why it took Carlos 3 days to move on?"
I said: "Why?"
My BFF says: "Well, it's because he was already cheating!"
I said: "KNEW IT!"
So, a husband and a wife have three kids. The husband is on his death bed, and he looks up at his wife and says, "Honey, is our youngest son truly and honestly mine?" She says in response, "I swear on everything that is good and holy, our youngest son is yours." He dies peacefully.
Then she says under her breath, "I'm glad he didn't ask about the first two."
I was exploring a haunted mansion when I encountered a ghost named Pristiano Penaldo. He asked if I supported Burnley as he wanted to statpad against me. Luckily, I pulled out my trusty Liverpool shirt, and he disappeared. Shame on you, Penaldo.
"Trust falling" with a bridge is more trustworthy than me.
If you have an Autistic child, don't worry. Put your trust in God and pray it gets kidnapped.
People, when your lover cheats on you, do this!
1. Start a conversation. 2. Say, "What's that smell?" 3. They will smell around. 4. Say, "OMG, it's a b****," and walk away and ignore them.
This shit is weird (as baby girl pees).
Dad: “Trust me, shitting is weirder.”
Why did nobody believe the little girl who got raped?
She said a monster attacked her.
My girlfriend asked me whether I was having sex behind her back, and I replied, "Yes, who did you think it was?"
