What do a bike and a rubber duck have in common? They both have a handlebar, except for the duck.
My boss yelled at me the other day, “You’ve got to be the worst train driver in history. How many trains did you derail last year?”
I said, “Can’t say for sure, it’s so hard to keep track!”
Why couldn't the chicken cross the road?
Because it was disabled.
A pirate walked into a pub with a ship wheel attached to his balls. The bartender says, "What the hell is that?"
The pirate said, "I don't know but it's driving me nuts!"
Why can't the toilet paper cross the road? Because it got stuck in a crack!
What is the difference between 100 dead babies and a Mustang Challenger?
I don't have a Mustang Challenger in my garage.
A man went to a Ford dealership hoping to find a car, but he said they weren't affordable.
Once there were these two fruitcakes driving in their Pink Porsche. "Oh, this handles so well!" they exclaimed.
Then this Mack truck came around the corner at their stop sign and rear-ended them. The passenger said to his partner, "You tell that man he's gonna pay every single cent 'cause we're going to sue him!"
So the flamer gets out and swishes to tell the trucker to do that very thing. The trucker was a tough who said, "What do you want, wimp?" The gay said, "You just hit our new Pink Porsche, and we're gonna make you pay every single cent 'cause we're gonna sue you!"
The trucker said, "Oh yeah? Blow me!" The gay driver went "Ohhh!" and ran back. The gay partner asked him, "What did he say?" His fruitcake driver said, "Ohhh! It's wonderful, he wants to settle out of court!"
When is a car not a car?
When it's a house.
Where do leg amputees go to buy a car?
IHOP
How does a crazy person get to the woods?
He takes the psychopath.
I asked my midget neighbor if he wanted a lift. He told me to "Fuck off!!!" I thought, what a cheeky cunt and zipped my backpack up and walked away.
Why did Susan drop her ice cream? She was hit by a bus.
What do you call someone that illegally transports cups? - A s-mug-gler.
How do you get 100 Pikachus on a bus?
- Pokémon
Mosely in a white van
What do you call a plane with no wings? Sally.
Why did the accountant fall off his bicycle?
Because he lost his balance!
There are 5 cats on a boat, and 1 jumps off. How many are left?
Zero, they were copycats.
What does a broken down vegetable say?
I need new wheels.
