When you turn off all the annoying beeping things in the hospital, and everyone starts sleeping better.
Worst Jokes Ever
Me to my friend: I only date suicidal girls.
My friend: Why?
Me: Because that pussy is limited edition.
Q: What did Donald Trump say after America gave him the boot?
A: What am I supposed to do with one boot?
I'm torn on the issue of abortion. I'm pro-abortion because it kills babies, but I'm against abortion because it gives women a choice.
Why did the royal wedding get more publicity than a school shooting?
Cause a royal wedding doesn't happen once a week.
I was asking people who knew Trump if he would win a second term. Stormy said, "No way, he doesn't have two in him!"
Q: What's black, white and red all over?
A: A blushing zebra? No, Michael Jackson after a Pepsi advert.
What happened when the cheetah took too many baths?
He became spotless!!!
One man walks up to another and says, "Hey, did you hear about the kidnapping at Main Street?" The guy says, "No." The other guy says, "Oh, he woke up."
Girl playing outside: "Step on a line and you break your mommy's spine." She then steps on a line and her mother keels over screaming.
Girl playing outside: "Step on a crack and you break daddy's back." She steps on a crack the mailman next door then keels over screaming.
The husband starts celebrating, gets in the car, and starts to drive away.
The son comes outside and steps on a crack.
The dad then dies in a car crash.
When is rape normal?
When it's called an unplanned pregnancy.
What happens when a black person gets in a car? The check oil light turns on.
What did Mickey Mouse and Michael Jackson have in common?: (What *didn't* they have in common)
Same red shorts, theme park in their backyard, white glove, soft voices, loved children, they both were black with white faces.
There are two Mexicans in a car. Who's driving?
A cop.
Ahem... if somebody you don't like, or somebody random just calls you in general,
answer the phone with this:
"Hello, thank you for choosing Mama's Pizzeria/Abortion Clinic, your loss is our sauce, how may I help you?"
or
"Hello, this is David's Orphanage, you make them, we take them, how may I help you?"
Some people's reactions are priceless, and then they wonder about your mental health.
An SQL query goes into a bar, walks up to two tables and asks, "Can I join you?"
Most people think an octopus has 8 legs.
Actually, they have 6 legs and 2 arms. How can you tell which are the arms?
Hit it on the head. The two that go up to the head when he says "Owwww" are his arms.
He: "Do you smoke after sex?"
She: "I don't know. I've never looked."
What do you call a black comedian?
Dark Humor.
So, I text my girlfriend and told her I wanted to get inside her. Can you believe she replied: "Not again brother, I'm only 8."
