Worst Jokes Ever
bully: "Your life's a joke."
me: "My life's not a joke, jokes have meaning."
Flat earthers are completely wrong. If the earth was flat, I would have yeeted myself off the edge years ago!
What's the same with shoes and slaves?
When they get loose, you tie them up.
Yo mama is so fat that when she walks, she causes earthquakes. She is so big that she has her own zip code and gravity field. She is so heavy that she needs a crane to get out of bed. She is so obese that she can't fit in any clothes, except for a circus tent. She is so large that she blocks the sun and causes eclipses.
Don't do suicide shit. Nearly killed me, tbh. 🙏🙏🙏🙏
A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.
She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly,
"Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely:
"Are - my - test - results - back?"
The closest thing in a depressed person's life is a knife and his/her throat.
Why are there no pharmacies in Africa?
Because you can't have medicine on an empty stomach.
Stephen Hawking once stood up to bow down to Chuck Norris.
Friends: "You wanna hang with us?"
Me: "No, I wanna hang myself."
You learn from the best.
If you really think about it, every market in Africa is a black market.
Cosmetic surgery used to be such a taboo subject. Now you can talk about Botox, and nobody raises an eyebrow.
Why are Christmas trees banned in mental hospitals?
Because the ornaments wouldn't be the only things hanging.
Fred and Mary got married, but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's parent's home for their first night together.
In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.
As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his Mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.
She replies, "No".
Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school."
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"
She replies, "No."
Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school."
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"
His mom says "No."
He asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His Mom replies, "Ok, do tell me what you think?"
He says: "Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue."
My mind was blown when I saw all the people waving at me.
-JFK
How did the computer get out of the house? He used windows.
What war did Africa not win? The water fight.
Why do women have cleaner minds than men? Because they change theirs more often.
Jack and Jill popped some pills to get a little tipsy.
Jack got a surprise and bloodshot eyes because Jill gave him a roofie.
What does a pizza delivery man and a gynecologist have in common?
They can both smell it, but they can’t eat it.