Worst Jokes Ever

I was watching my boyfriend's dog while he took a shower. I started playing fetch with him when the ball went over the balcony. He went to get it and fell 10 stories. When I looked down, he appeared to be dead.

My boyfriend loved his dog and I didn't know what to do, so feeling awful, I sat on the couch and waited for him to come back. About three minutes later he got out of the shower. He ordered some food and went to the table to eat when I said, "You know, your dog's been a little depressed lately..."

I would name my daughter Awesome so I can tell people that I'm fucking awesome.

How did Stephen Hawking die?

They unplugged the wifi.

Why did Steven Hawking not go to heaven after he died?

He could not get up the stairs?

"Knock Knock!" "Who's there?" "It's Dave!"

"Dave who?"

Dave bursts into tears, realizing that his grandmother's Alzheimers has progressed to the point where she no longer remembers him.

Why does the nucleus feel trapped?

Because it’s inside a cell!

So I went to my friend's funeral today. As we were all leaving, a kid put a "get well soon" card next to my friend's grave. 'Poor kid'.

I can’t believe it’s been over a year since Kobe decided he’s too good to wait in traffic.

Never attempt to foreshadow your own death, you may end up regretting it. You can chop me up and throw me in the fridge if I’m wrong.

Why do Indians hate snow?

Because it's white and all over their land.

People joke about 9/11, but it's not funny. My dad died in 9/11. Best pilot in Saudi Arabia.

When Chuck Norris wants to burn calories, he throws fat children into the fire.

Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants? - In case he got a hole in one.

What did the cake say to the fork?

"Do you want a piece of me!!!"

Why did Adolf Hitler like nuts? He only had one.

I wanted to be an astronaut, but my parents always told me when I was little that the sky was the limit.

A policeman once said, "I will never forget 9/11."

I said, "I hope not, that’s your phone number!"

Someone at school judged my grammar.

I judged theirs by the terms "school" and "rifle range" being mixed up the next day.

I'm so mad I got arrested for rape, even though the girl never said no. The prosecution said she was mute, but how was I supposed to know? She never told me.

How do you make a plumber sad?

Kill his family.