Sometimes I just wake up in the morning and think, "Damn, better luck next time!"
Worst Jokes Ever
I don't like marriage. It's just like soup, as soon as you're done spooning it, it all cools off.
What do you call a warrior that's going to bed?
A knight knight.
I don't think I'm allergic to this.
If someone calls you dirty minded just say:
"You are dirty minded as well if you understand what I'm saying."
What are fish not allowed to have?
Seaweed.
What’s Stephan Hawking's favorite dance move?
The robot.
I was out to dinner with my 19 year old girlfriend. I, being 47, had many people shouting at me and calling me a creep.
It really ruined our 10th anniversary.
A child and a child molester walk into a forest together. The child turns to the molester and says, "Boy, these woods are scary." The molester says to the child, "You think you're scared? I have to walk out of here alone."
Children who are unvaccinated are less likely to have autism. You know why?
-You have to be alive to have autism.
Why do orphans only have 363 days?
They don’t have Mother’s Day or Father’s Day.
Cremation. My final hope for a smokin’ hot body!
What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral? One less drunk.
A deaf couple wants to know when to have sex.
The wife says, "If you want to have sex, squeeze my tits once. If you don't want to have sex, squeeze my tits twice."
The husband says, "OK, if you want to have sex, pull my dick once. If you don't want to have sex, pull my dick 437 times."
What game do emo kids love the most?
Hangman.
What is the difference between a microwave and a gay guy?
A microwave doesn’t brown your meat.
There is an Afghan Barbie; it’s a blow-up doll.
I asked the gym trainer what type of machine I should use to get the best looking women.
He said the ATM outside.
Can you imagine the last thing that went through the minds of 9/11 victims?
Well, probably the person in front of them.
Why do orphans cause trouble at school?
So the teachers will call their parents.
