Worst Jokes Ever

I got fired from the library. What did I do? I only put a book on women's rights in the fiction section.

I came across a dead body in the woods. I liked it so much I came again.

What do you call a bunch of Paki's jumping off a cliff?

Chocolate drops.

What's a pirate's favorite letter?

(People will then say "r")

Arrr, you think it be "r" but really it's the "C" that they love.

What's a pirate's least favorite letter?

Dear sir,

You are being investigated for downloading illegal copyrighted material, and your internet will be cut off.

Slavery and discipline, it's kind of the same thing. You get whipped for doing the wrong thing.

Why is it illegal to do reverse cowgirl in Alabama? You never turn your back to your family.

I rode to the bottle shop on my bike yesterday. I bought a whole bottle of wine and put it in the basket on the front of my bike.

Then I thought, if I fell off my bike on the way back home, it would smash and shatter. So I drank all the wine and threw away the bottle.

It was a good idea, because I fell off my bike about four times on the way back.

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, “Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?” The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, “Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?”

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, “It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch, it is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into.”

Bippity Boppity, I'm gonna shoot you off my property!

I was at the bar with a friend, and he said to me, "Veronica, I just stopped a rape." The bartender overheard him and had a puzzled look on his face, because he never moved. He then said, "I saw this girl walk into the bathroom, and I decided not to go."

Little girls are like basic math. If they're under 13, you do them in your head.

What’s the best part about having sex with twenty-six year olds?

There’s twenty of them.

What talks high pitched and can't fly?

A gay man in Iran.

I wanted to learn how to drive a stick shift, but I couldn't find a manual.

What's the difference between a dead baby and a sandwich?

I don't put my dick in a sandwich before I eat it.

How do you get a black kid to stop jumping on your bed? Put velcro on the ceiling.

Have you heard about the baby with cancer? It never gets old.

My bitch as flat as her grannie's heartbeat.

What's got 5 arms, 3 legs, and 2 feet?

The finish line at the Boston Marathon.

Next time I'm at a restaurant, and they ask what I want to drink, I'm going to say "bleach".