Worst Jokes Ever
What's white and bloody?
Two doves in a trash compactor. Talk about a failed marriage.
Why does a milking stool only have 3 legs? -- Because the cow has the udder.
Build a man a fire, and he’ll be warm for a day.
Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.
What's the number one pick up line at a gay bar?
"May I push your stool in?"
I only believe in 12.5% of everything the Bible says.
Which makes me an eighth-theist.
What do you call an autistic kid who just saw Transformers? Autistimus Prime.
What is the difference between your girlfriend and a walrus?
One is hairy and smells like fish, and the other is a walrus. You're welcome.
My dad has the heart of a soldier, and a restraining order from the soldier's family.
Lightning doesn’t strike twice in the same place, but Chuck Norris does.
I want to die peacefully like my uncle, but I don’t own a car or have a garage.
[being buried alive]
Murderer: *out of breath* How are you eating the dirt so quickly?
Me: Do you ever just walk into a room and forget what you were doing?
Bank teller: [eyes wide] Uhhhhh...
Me: *scratches head with gun* Man, I hate it when this happens.
Boss: You're fired.
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You're a waiter. Where did you get those?
Life is like a penis: simple, soft, relaxed, and hanging free, until a woman comes around and makes it hard.
Jesus created the T-pose first.
You are walking through the woods when you cross a woman who has been raped and beheaded. What is the first thing you do?
Check your map, you’re obviously going in circles.
I got arrested on suspicion of attempted rape all because I was carrying some cable ties, a bit of tape and a piece of cloth. It's such a joke, I hadn't even bought the chloroform yet.
What's the difference between Johnny Depp and Eminem? Eminem was never proven to beat his wife in court, but Johnny Depp was.
Why can't Michael Jackson go within 500 meters of a school?
Because he's dead.
Chuck Norris threw one Pokéball and caught 'em all.