Worst Jokes Ever

I got a handjob from a blind woman the other day. She said, "It's the biggest thing I ever had in my hand." I said, "No love, you're just pulling my leg."

Don't be racist! BE LIKE MARIO!

He's an Italian plumber, created by the Japanese, who speaks English, and looks like a Mexican, jumps like a black man, and grabs coins like a Jew.

What's Stephen Hawking's favorite type of comedy? Stand up.

What do you do when life gives you lemons? Slit your wrist and give a lemon a twist. 🙂💊💉

Who reads the fastest?

The pilot of the plane who hit one of the twin towers. He took out 83 stories in one go.

It must not be a good suicide story if you can tell it.

How do you make it hard for a rapist who is trying to rape you? Rub it.

This girl told me people call her ugly because she is disabled. I told her to stand up for herself.

My penis was in the Guinness Book of World Records. -- Then the librarian told me to take it out.

I wanted to make a belt out of watches, then I realized it was a waste of time!

What's the difference between a mosquito and a pornstar? One stops sucking when you smack it.

I asked my girlfriend if she wanted to join my family tree... She dropped the rope and ran.

Today I learned humans eat more bananas than monkeys. -- I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.

how do u make a emo kid jump? a bridge.

Are you a grave, 'cause I want you on me?

When the Lego box says 6-99 years but you eat it in 20 minutes.

Business Interview With Depression Inside my brain...

Me: So... You're new? Depression: (I don't know who he is yet) mHMMMmmm! Me: Well what are your skills? Depression: Oh, taking control and leading... You know... Me: What are you trying out for? Depression: Oh, Vice Leader of Negative Thoughts. Me: Well we do need someone over there- for somewhat reason nobody wanted that job... Me: How did you know about us? Depression: Oh- I knew because of Anxiety, you know, we're friends! Me: Interesting... (Still has no idea about Anxiety and it's problemos) Me: Well I think you're signed up! I'll give you the job! Depression: tHaNKS :)

AND THATS HOW MY LIFE GOT DESTROYED :]

Do you know why God created wars? To teach Americans geography.

Woman one: "I got so mad at my GPS today that I told it to go to hell!"

Woman two: "Did that work?"

Woman one: "Well, it took me to my in-laws’ house."

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but a crowbar could do it so much quicker.