Worst Jokes Ever

I got a handjob from a blind woman the other day. She said, "It's the biggest thing I ever had in my hand." I said, "No love, you're just pulling my leg."

I was going 80 in a school zone and the speed bump was screaming.

What do you do when life gives you lemons? Slit your wrist and give a lemon a twist. 🙂💊💉

Do you know why God created wars? To teach Americans geography.

I wanted to make a belt out of watches, then I realized it was a waste of time!

My penis was in the Guinness Book of World Records. -- Then the librarian told me to take it out.

It must not be a good suicide story if you can tell it.

This girl told me people call her ugly because she is disabled. I told her to stand up for herself.

I asked my girlfriend if she wanted to join my family tree... She dropped the rope and ran.

What's the difference between a mosquito and a pornstar? One stops sucking when you smack it.

Today I learned humans eat more bananas than monkeys. -- I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.

how do u make a emo kid jump? a bridge.

Are you a grave, 'cause I want you on me?

When the Lego box says 6-99 years but you eat it in 20 minutes.

Business Interview With Depression Inside my brain...

Me: So... You're new? Depression: (I don't know who he is yet) mHMMMmmm! Me: Well what are your skills? Depression: Oh, taking control and leading... You know... Me: What are you trying out for? Depression: Oh, Vice Leader of Negative Thoughts. Me: Well we do need someone over there- for somewhat reason nobody wanted that job... Me: How did you know about us? Depression: Oh- I knew because of Anxiety, you know, we're friends! Me: Interesting... (Still has no idea about Anxiety and it's problemos) Me: Well I think you're signed up! I'll give you the job! Depression: tHaNKS :)

AND THATS HOW MY LIFE GOT DESTROYED :]

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but a crowbar could do it so much quicker.

What's the difference between a lightbulb and a pregnant woman? You can unscrew the lightbulb.

I comforted my friend about his wife's death, until I found out who did it.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A child has diarrhea and asked his mom for a Viagra. "Why in the world do you want that?" she asked him. He looks at her and says, "Well, that's what you gift dad when his shit won't get hard."