911, what's your emergency?
Me: My grandma just passed out in the living room and I think she's dead.
Well, it's not a living room anymore.
Me: Hangs up.
Worst Jokes Ever
You're so poor you wash paper plates.
I'm so gay I could barely think straight.
While undressing a woman, she told me she has AIDS. I told her she can't catch it twice, but she still kept screaming.
Whenever you're mad, just punch an orphan. What are they gonna do? Tell their parents?
Bro's hair looks like Buzz Lightyear, going to infinity and beyond!
Why is 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 is a registered 6 offender.
So I didn't want my mom going through my laptop, so I put a touch screen on it where you just have to tap the screen to unlock it. Jokes on her, she doesn't have any fingers.
Are you a bowling ball? Because I want to stick 3 fingers in you.
How do you give a redneck a circumcision? Kick his sister in the jaw.
F is for friends who don't talk to you.
U is for Ur alone.
N is for never having any plans at all, all you do is sit at home.
Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys? He was playing by ear.
Where do you buy a dishwasher?
Hot singles in your area.
Question: Why did Donald Trump convert to Judaism?
Answer: Because he heard that Vladimir Putin likes to drink vodka with "Orange Jews"!
My thighs have a different texture pack than the rest of me.
I offered to share a meal with a homeless person once, but he said, "Piss off and buy your own!"
How do you find out if your kid is gay?
Lock him in a closet and if he comes out, he's gay. If not, he's dead straight.
What kind of exercise do lazy people do?
Diddly-squats.
My son asked me how I'm so clean, "inside out." I told him because of bleach. The next day, I found him drinking the bleach.
Do you know what you first feel when you shoot someone?
The recoil.
