My wife and I watched The Perfect Murder together. Excellent movie, but what disturbed me though was my wife constantly taking notes.
Worst Jokes Ever
A policeman once said, "I will never forget 9/11."
I said, "I hope not, that’s your phone number!"
Why did the cantaloupe 🍈 jump into the pool?
It wanted to become a watermelon 🍉.
Badass Toilet Paper Company: We don't take shit off of anyone.
What war did Africa not win? The water fight.
Jack and Jill went up the hill so Jack could lick Jill’s candy, but Jack got a shock and a mouth full of cock ‘cause Jill’s real name is Randy.
Yes, this joke is stolen.
Me: Have you ever tried African food?
You: No.
Me: They haven't either.
You walk into a McDonald's and you ask for some extra mayo, and they put too much on there.
I say I didn't order a "McCumshot."
I called the Chinese takeaway yesterday. A man picked up the phone and said: "Hello! I am Wan Kin, the chef." I said that I'll come back later.
How did Fortnite record their henchman sounds?
They asked a bunch of kids with Down syndrome to film a documentary.
My dad's the oldest, and when he was young, he shot my grandpa's balls off, but I thought about it. How does my dad have younger brothers?
What do apples and depressed kids have in common?
They both hang on trees.
What is an orphan's favorite quote in Star Wars?
"I am your father."
"Why is it that orphans only play tennis?""That's the only love they can get..."
Women.
Ninety percent of your beauty can be removed with a Kleenex.
Oh, were you talking to me? I thought you only talked behind my back.
Hold still, I am trying to imagine you with a personality.
My mind was blown when I saw all the people waving at me.
-JFK
Little Johnny went to the doctor to get an infection checked on his penis. As the doctor examined it, he asked, "Lil Johnny how did you get an infection on your penis?" Johnny replied, "Well, the damn neighbor Sally's braces are too sharp."
Doctor: "Does your penis burn after intercourse?"
Patient: "I don't know. I never tried lighting it."
What's the difference between Clint Eastwood and anal sex?
One will make your day, and the other will make your hole weak.
