Worst Jokes Ever
How did Helen Keller's parents punish her?
By rearranging the furniture.
Person 1: You are the dumbest person in the class.
Person 2: Well, you're the second. Maybe, but at least I'm not the dumbest.
Person 2: I know how to fix that!
... Next day person commits suicide...
Who reads the fastest?
The pilot of the plane who hit one of the twin towers. He took out 83 stories in one go.
I entered ten puns into a contest to see which one would win.
No pun in ten did.
Mother: Who do you like more, me or your dad?
Liam: I like you both.
Mother: Ok, if I go to america and your dad goes to paris, where will you go?
Liam: I will go to paris.
Mother: That's means you like dad more.
Liam: No, its because i like paris.
Mother: Ok, fine, if I go to paris and your dad goes to america, where will you go?
Liam: I will go to America.
Mother: Why?
Liam: Because I have already gone to paris.
I caught my girlfriend cheating on me, with our dad.
Q: What's the difference between me and cancer?
A: My dad didn't beat cancer...
What happened when the emo kid tried to high 5 a tree?
It left him hanging.
what's the difference between a baby and an onion?
I cry when I chop up an onion.
They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day, well not if it's poisoned.
Then the antidote becomes the most important.
I wasn’t staring, I was just trying to figure out if that was your hairline or the Great Wall of China.
What can a dwarf do standing up that a tall person can't do standing up?
Suck dick.
Woman one: "I got so mad at my GPS today that I told it to go to hell!"
Woman two: "Did that work?"
Woman one: "Well, it took me to my in-laws’ house."
When I was little, I would pray to Jesus every night for him to get me a new bike. I learned one week in Sunday school that that's not how it works, so instead I just stole one and asked him for forgiveness.
Why were Abraham Lincoln and John F. Kennedy very wise presidents?
They both had an open mind.
You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. For example, if she's holding a gun, she's probably angry.
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9. The odds were against me.
How many screws does it take to construct a lesbian's bed?
None, it's all tongue and groove...
I hate when I lose my white friends in the snow and my black friends in the dark. Where do I lose my friends from Afghanistan?
In an explosion.
What do Michelangelo and Kurt Cobain have in common?
They both used their brains to paint the ceiling.