Worst Jokes Ever
A vampire walks into a bar and orders a cup of hot water. The bartender asks, "I thought you guys only drink blood?"
The vampire pulls out a used tampon and says, "I'm making tea."
I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
What does a robot do at the end of a one night stand? -- He nuts and bolts.
Apparently, Monica Lewinsky didn't vote for Hillary Clinton this election. She said the last Clinton presidency left a bad taste in her mouth.
A woman visits the doctor as she has some abdominal pains and suspects she may be pregnant.
After her examination, the doctor comes out to see her: “Well, I hope you like changing diapers!”
She replies: “Oh my god! Am I pregnant, am I pregnant!?”
To which he responds: “No, you’ve got bowel cancer.”
Chuck Norris doesn't dial the wrong number. You answered the wrong telephone.
What did Michael Jackson say to the kid on his lap? "Just beat it, just beat it."
What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic? About half way.
Unlike my syndrome, I keep my chin up. 🙌🏽😁
How does Hitler tie his shoes?
In tiny Knotsies.
Allan: What are you doing Saturday night?
Museum girl: Committing suicide.
Allan: What about Friday night?
Yesterday I was fucking my sister, and she said, "You fuck a lot like dad." I said, "Really? Mum said that too."
The furniture store keeps calling me back... But all I wanted was that one nightstand.
Q: Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand?
A: So she can moan with the other.
What's the difference between my arm and my stomach? My stomach isn't ripped.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Insomnia.
You'll fit right in along with Depression and anxiety, you can help keep me awake at night because Depression is struggling with that... Well now I can't cry myself to sleep anymore...
Dad: "If they jumped off a bridge, would you?"
Tommy: "Yes, cuz there would be a body pile to break my fall!"
When I'm bored, I go into an elevator with a full duffle bag. Once people come in and the door closes, I zip open the bag a little bit and whisper to it, "I'll get you some food once we get off."
Your hairline is so far back, Paw Patrol couldn't finish their mission.
What does an orgasm and a pulse have in common?
I don't care if she has either.