My penis was in the Guinness Book of World Records. -- Then the librarian told me to take it out.
Worst Jokes Ever
I was going 80 in a school zone and the speed bump was screaming.
I asked my girlfriend if she wanted to join my family tree... She dropped the rope and ran.
This girl told me people call her ugly because she is disabled. I told her to stand up for herself.
how do u make a emo kid jump? a bridge.
Me having a good day. Going on a walk on a peaceful day.
My depression: hey, what's up!
Me: go away.
My depression: well how rude.
Me: 🙄.
My depression: remember that one time......
Me: no, don't even.
My depression: that we.....
Me: nope.
My depression: *says really fast*: said that one stupid joke that wasn't funny and everybody just stared at you, and then you spilled water all over yourself and it looked like you peed yourself. And you went home and cried yourself to sleep just like you do every single night.
Me: 😳😶😟.
My depression: 😉 don't worry I'll always be here for you.
Are you a grave, 'cause I want you on me?
Girls are like math; if they're under ten, then you use your fingers.
Mother: Who do you like more, me or your dad?
Liam: I like you both.
Mother: Ok, if I go to america and your dad goes to paris, where will you go?
Liam: I will go to paris.
Mother: That's means you like dad more.
Liam: No, its because i like paris.
Mother: Ok, fine, if I go to paris and your dad goes to america, where will you go?
Liam: I will go to America.
Mother: Why?
Liam: Because I have already gone to paris.
Today I learned humans eat more bananas than monkeys. -- I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.
When the Lego box says 6-99 years but you eat it in 20 minutes.
What's the difference between a mosquito and a pornstar? One stops sucking when you smack it.
What's the difference between a lightbulb and a pregnant woman? You can unscrew the lightbulb.
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
A child has diarrhea and asked his mom for a Viagra. "Why in the world do you want that?" she asked him. He looks at her and says, "Well, that's what you gift dad when his shit won't get hard."
You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. For example, if she's holding a gun, she's probably angry.
Person 1: You are the dumbest person in the class.
Person 2: Well, you're the second. Maybe, but at least I'm not the dumbest.
Person 2: I know how to fix that!
... Next day person commits suicide...
I entered ten puns into a contest to see which one would win.
No pun in ten did.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but a crowbar could do it so much quicker.
What happened when the emo kid tried to high 5 a tree?
It left him hanging.
