Worst Jokes Ever
Someone asked me if I've ever tried to kill myself. I responded, "Absolutely. A few times actually. I'm just not very good at it."
Why can't the USA and England play chess?
USA has no towers and England has no queen.
When it's been Halloween for a few months, but there's still a body hanging from your neighbor's tree.
I cannot moderate myself at all. It's either I don't take my meds, or I take the entire bottle. Decisions, decisions...
Does anyone still look at this? If you do, tell me if I should make more jokes :)
My mom asked me to stop making jokes about suicide.
I answered, "Don't worry... I'll stop soon."
A man is walking on the deck of a cruise ship, when he sees a woman, without arms and legs, crying. The man says "What's wrong?" The woman says "I've never been hugged before." So, the man gives her a hug and walks away.
The next day, the man sees the woman, on the deck, crying again. The man says "What's wrong, now?" The woman says "I've never been kissed before." So, the man gives her a kiss and walks away.
The next day, the same thing occurs. The man says "Oh, for Christ's sake! What's wrong, this time?!" The woman says "Well, I've never been fucked before." So, the man picks her up, throws her into the ocean, and yells "YOU'RE FUCKED!"
So, my parents were telling me about this dark joke they made 17 years ago, but they didn't actually tell me the joke.
What is a similarity between a pregnant 14-year-old and the fetus inside of her?
They both are thinking, "Shit! Mom is gonna kill me!"
Little Johnny was sitting in class one day, and the teacher was talking about life. The teacher asked him, "Little Johnny, how do you want your wife to be like?" Little Johnny answered, "Like the moon." The teacher said, "That's such a beautiful answer because it's calm and peaceful." Little Johnny replied, "No, because it appears at night and disappears in the morning."
The colors red, white, and blue are the colors of freedom. Until they are flashing behind you.
I have no friends, but then I realize my true friends are anxiety and depression.
Other girls be like, "I want a 6ft guy", meanwhile I want to be 6ft under. 😃👍
What do you call a disabled kid with a gun?
Special forces.
People claim that Trump has Russian ties.
FAKE NEWS!
All of Trump's ties are made in China.
What's the hardest line to draw in a hospital?
... A FLATLINE!
Things I would have missed if my attempt in 2018 worked...
My attempts in 2019, 2020, and 2021!
I heard some twin brothers were going as buildings to the school costume contest, so I went as a plane. It didn't fly too well with people.
Roses are red, violets are blue, Shrek thought he was ugly until he saw you.
What do depressed people and Apple's have in common?
They both hang from trees.