What did Hitler say when he was blindfolded?
I can Nazi!
Worst Jokes Ever
How did Helen Keller's parents punish her?
By rearranging the furniture.
what's the difference between a baby and an onion?
I cry when I chop up an onion.
Q: What's the difference between me and cancer?
A: My dad didn't beat cancer...
What can a dwarf do standing up that a tall person can't do standing up?
Suck dick.
They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day, well not if it's poisoned.
Then the antidote becomes the most important.
Why were Abraham Lincoln and John F. Kennedy very wise presidents?
They both had an open mind.
When I was little, I would pray to Jesus every night for him to get me a new bike. I learned one week in Sunday school that that's not how it works, so instead I just stole one and asked him for forgiveness.
Yo mama is so ugly, she walked into a haunted house and walked out with a job application.
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9. The odds were against me.
What do you call depressed Sesame Street?
Emo's World.
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
Lickalottapuss.
The emo kid ran away after his parents asked why they took the barcode sticker off the Oreos.
I'll never forget my grandma's last words, "What are you doing in here with that hammer?"
I hate when I lose my white friends in the snow and my black friends in the dark. Where do I lose my friends from Afghanistan?
In an explosion.
What do you call a night guard at the glory hole inside a adult bookstore?
Guardian of the confessional booth.
Sometimes I just wake up in the morning, and think, "Well, better luck next time."
What's a depressed person's favorite drink?
A depresso espresso.
JK.
It's cyanide.
A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. The banks offered a reward for his capture, dead or alive, but offered a much larger award for the recovery of the stolen funds.
An enterprising Texas Ranger decided to track him down. After a long and difficult search, he traced the bandit to his home town. On a hunch, he checked the town's cantina, and sure enough, there was the robber. The only other people in the bar were the bartender and a scrawny, older man at a back table. The time was right to make a move. The ranger drew his revolver, charged into the cantina, and announced: "You are under arrest. I get a reward for you, dead or alive. Tell me where the money is, and I'll let you live. If you don't, I'll shoot you right here, and save myself the trouble of having to take you back to Texas alive."
But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish. As it turned out, the scrawny man at the back of the bar happened to be a lawyer. He knew the robber, and was bilingual, and quickly offered to translate for the two of them. The ranger said: "Tell him that if he doesn't tell me where the loot is, I'll shoot him here and now." Upon hearing what the Ranger had said, and seeing the cold look in his eye, the bandit knew that the Ranger meant it - if he did not give up his loot, he was a dead man. Terrified, the bandit blurted out in Spanish that the loot was buried in an old barn at the outskirts of town. "What did he say?" asked the Ranger. The lawyer answered: "He said, 'You don't have the nerve to shoot me, Yankee swine.'"
I wasn’t staring, I was just trying to figure out if that was your hairline or the Great Wall of China.
