When the school shooter is right outside the classroom window, and the autistic kid starts trying to say hello to him.
A guy stole my car last night. Before dialing 911 I thought, "Fuck it. Let him explain the dead bodies in the trunk."
My grandfather said I was too reliant on technology. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.
Why did the feminist cross the road?
To suck my dick!
Why can't orphans be gay?
They have no one to call "daddy".
How did Helen Keller's parents punish her? They put her in a circle room and told her to find the penny in the corner.
When the school shooter is about to leave the room, then the autistic kid says, "Goodbye!"
I wonder if Stephen Hawking has ever watched Avengers: Endgame... Oh wait, he can't.
How do you embarrass an archaeologist? You give him a tampon and ask what period it's from.
I was out for dinner with my 19 year old girlfriend. I, being 42, had many people shouting at me, scolding me, calling me a creep. It really ruined our 10th anniversary.
In chess, why does the queen have more mobility than the king?
Because the chessboard looks like a kitchen floor.
SON: “Mommy, I found Daddy!”
MOM: “What did I tell you about digging in the garden?”
The "f" in orphan is for family.
What's the difference between you and a fridge? The fridge doesn't moan when I put my meat in.
What's funny about sex? I don't get it!
Say what you want about Hitler, he wasn't all that bad. After all, he killed Hitler.
What do you call a white person having a seizure?
A vanilla shake.
Imagine if this got over 69 likes! Wow! 🤩 🇫🇷
I got detention yesterday because I told the emo kid to "Hang in there."
When someone calls you, say this: "Hi, welcome to Dave’s Orphanage. You make them, we take them. How may I help you?"
