Worst Jokes Ever

If you leave your small children inside a shower with Kelly Clarkson, you're a filthy parent.

Chuck Norris built the hospital he was born in.

When you call the Middle Eastern suicide hotline, they ask you if you can fly a plane.

One morning a dad was sitting and watching TV. His daughter comes in and says, "Dad! Why is my name Rose?" He replied, "Oh! It's because when you were born a rose petal fell on your head." "Cool," Rose said.

The second daughter walked in and said, "Dad! Why is my name Daisy?" He replied, "Oh! It's because when you were a baby, a daisy petal fell on your head." "Awesome," Daisy said.

The third daughter came in and said, "DuUuBuDuRDeEDeRdUuUuU!!!" "SHUT UP CINDER BLOCK!!!"

What do you call a necrophiliac gangbang?

Cracking open a cold one with the boys.

Me at the Oscars when I see Jada Pinkett Smith, I said: "G.I. Jane 2, more like G.I. Jada 2, can't wait to see it."

So Will Smith is laughing and then suddenly, Will Smith walks up to me and punches me in the face.

Me: "Ow, oh, wow. Will Smith just smacked the shit out of me.” My nigga Smith goes: "KEEP MY WIFE'S NAME OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MOUTH!" Me: "Maybe you should focus on keeping her friends out of hers."

In 2011, Stephen Hawking said there is no God. In 2018, God said there is no Steve Hawking.

Did you hear about the lesbian midget? She probably came out of the cabinet.

My therapist told me, "Time heals all wounds," so I stabbed him.

Now we wait.

I was sitting in a bar one day and two really large women came in, talking in an interesting accent. So I said, "Cool accent, are you two ladies from Ireland?" One of them snarled at me, "It's Wales, Dumbo!" So I corrected myself, "My apologies, so are you two whales from Ireland?"

Dark humor is like parents, not everybody gets it.

What’s the key to a successful relationship?

Consent.

What do peanut butter and a prostitute's legs have in common?

They’re both easy to spread.

Emo grass cuts itself, while transgender laundry hangs itself.

What’s black, white, and red all over? A nun on her period.

What kind of beer is an orphan's favorite?

Foster's!

People claim that Trump has Russian ties. That’s not true, just some crazy conspiracy theorists. All of Trump's ties are made in China.

My Grandmother died last month. The thing that bugs me to this day, I couldn't understand her last words... through the pillow.

What's the difference between Freddie Mercury and Princess Diana?

Freddie lived long enough to be a Queen.

Who says “white men can't jump?” They certainly did when the twin towers were falling.