When you call the Middle Eastern suicide hotline, they ask you if you can fly a plane.
My therapist told me, "Time heals all wounds," so I stabbed him.
Now we wait.
In 2011, Stephen Hawking said there is no God. In 2018, God said there is no Steve Hawking.
Dark humor is like parents, not everybody gets it.
At my funeral, take the bouquet off the coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who's next.
What’s the key to a successful relationship?
Consent.
What do you call a necrophiliac gangbang?
Cracking open a cold one with the boys.
Who says “white men can't jump?” They certainly did when the twin towers were falling.
Why do black people only have nightmares? Because the last one who had a dream was shot.
People claim that Trump has Russian ties. That’s not true, just some crazy conspiracy theorists. All of Trump's ties are made in China.
My Grandmother died last month. The thing that bugs me to this day, I couldn't understand her last words... through the pillow.
What has an N, an I, two Gs, an E, and an R?
Ginger! You racist fuc-
I was sitting in a bar one day and two really large women came in, talking in an interesting accent. So I said, "Cool accent, are you two ladies from Ireland?" One of them snarled at me, "It's Wales, Dumbo!" So I corrected myself, "My apologies, so are you two whales from Ireland?"
It’s really hard to maintain a good body lately, unless you put it in a freezer.
Me: Mom, would you get mad at me for something I didn't do?
Mom: No.
Me: Ok, good. I didn't do my homework.
I used to have confidence issues because of my learning disability.
Until someone told me I put the sexy in dyslexia.
A black Jewish boy runs home from school one day and asks his father, “Daddy, am I more Jewish or more black?” The dad replies, “Why do you want to know, son?” “Because a kid at school is selling a bike for $50 and I want to know if I should talk him down to $40 or just steal it!”
The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke some marijuana.
Jack got high and grabbed Jill's thigh and said, "You know you wanna."
Jill said yes and lifted her dress so they could have some fun, but stupid Jill forgot her pill, and now they have a son.
I had a very long dream that I was eating the most juiciest, tastiest meal I'd ever eaten in my life. Then when I woke up, my wife was gone.
