Worst Jokes Ever

Me at the Oscars when I see Jada Pinkett Smith, I said: "G.I. Jane 2, more like G.I. Jada 2, can't wait to see it."

So Will Smith is laughing and then suddenly, Will Smith walks up to me and punches me in the face.

Me: "Ow, oh, wow. Will Smith just smacked the shit out of me.” My nigga Smith goes: "KEEP MY WIFE'S NAME OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MOUTH!" Me: "Maybe you should focus on keeping her friends out of hers."

If you leave your small children inside a shower with Kelly Clarkson, you're a filthy parent.

If you donate one kidney, everybody loves you, and you’re a total hero. But donate five, and suddenly everyone is yelling. Geez!

Chuck Norris built the hospital he was born in.

One morning a dad was sitting and watching TV. His daughter comes in and says, "Dad! Why is my name Rose?" He replied, "Oh! It's because when you were born a rose petal fell on your head." "Cool," Rose said.

The second daughter walked in and said, "Dad! Why is my name Daisy?" He replied, "Oh! It's because when you were a baby, a daisy petal fell on your head." "Awesome," Daisy said.

The third daughter came in and said, "DuUuBuDuRDeEDeRdUuUuU!!!" "SHUT UP CINDER BLOCK!!!"

When you call the Middle Eastern suicide hotline, they ask you if you can fly a plane.

What do you call a necrophiliac gangbang?

Cracking open a cold one with the boys.

My therapist told me, "Time heals all wounds," so I stabbed him.

Now we wait.

In 2011, Stephen Hawking said there is no God. In 2018, God said there is no Steve Hawking.

At my funeral, take the bouquet off the coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who's next.

Dark humor is like parents, not everybody gets it.

What’s the key to a successful relationship?

Consent.

What has an N, an I, two Gs, an E, and an R?

Ginger! You racist fuc-

Why do black people only have nightmares? Because the last one who had a dream was shot.

My Grandmother died last month. The thing that bugs me to this day, I couldn't understand her last words... through the pillow.

Who says “white men can't jump?” They certainly did when the twin towers were falling.

I was sitting in a bar one day and two really large women came in, talking in an interesting accent. So I said, "Cool accent, are you two ladies from Ireland?" One of them snarled at me, "It's Wales, Dumbo!" So I corrected myself, "My apologies, so are you two whales from Ireland?"

People claim that Trump has Russian ties. That’s not true, just some crazy conspiracy theorists. All of Trump's ties are made in China.

I used to have confidence issues because of my learning disability.

Until someone told me I put the sexy in dyslexia.

Why can't Michael Jackson go within 500m of a school zone?

Because he's dead.