Worst Jokes Ever
If a furry looks like an animal, sounds like animal, and acts like an animal, can I run over it with my car like an animal?
Why did an old man fall in a well?
Because he couldn't see that well.
My dog died. I'm so sad.
Why is a priest different from acne?
Acne waits to come on your face.
There are painkillers, but they only relieve physical pain. I wish something could relieve my internal pain.
What's the quiet kid's favorite school lunch? Mac-10 and cheese.
I was digging a hole in my garden, then I found a treasure chest. I was so happy. I went to tell my wife, but then I remembered why I was digging a hole.
My Wife: How much do you love me??
Me: Count all the stars.
My Wife: Aww, infinity.
Me: No, a waste of time.
Why were the Twin Towers angry?
They ordered pepperoni, but they only got plane.
My cat's breath smells like cat food.
When I feel depressed, I like to cut myself another piece of cake.
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it leaves and never comes back...
A little girl said one day, "Grandma's gonna die tonight!" The next morning, the girl's grandmother's body was found.
That day she said again, "Grandpa's gonna die tonight!" Sure enough, the girl's grandfather died and his body was discovered the next morning.
That day she said, "Daddy's gonna die tonight." The girl's father was terrified. He lay shaking the entire night. Somehow, he survived until morning. His wife came into the room crying. He asked her why she was upset and she said that the postman had died last night.
Americans: We drive on the right side of the road.
The British: We drive on the left side of the road.
Russia: ROAD IS ROAD. *crashing noises follow*
When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.
Ring.. Ring.. Yes this is Dave from the Orphanage, "you make 'em we take 'em", how may I be of service?
I wasn’t planning on going for a run today, but those cops came out of nowhere!
If you take an emo kid grocery shopping.
You get to scan their wrists for discounts!
I fucked your mom, oh wait, you don't have one.
What do emo boys and emo girls have in common? They both wanna die and cut so they can die faster, but they are already dead, already dead to me!