Worst Jokes Ever

You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving, you need a parachute to go skydiving twice.

A man is telling his story to someone. "My friends always said that they would kill me if I wore Gucci or Supreme. On April 1st, I wore both and conversed with them."

"Interesting."

"That's the story of how I got to the morgue," he says to The Gatekeeper of Heaven.

One day an old woman came into the bank and asked me to check her balance... So, I pushed her over.

My girlfriend is like Toys R Us.

She does not exist.

Yo mama is so fat that when she put on a yellow dress, people called her "taxi."

Question: How did the cat cross the river?

Answer: It didn’t, it drowned.

Stephen Hawking walking, oops, he does not do that anymore.

Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven ate nine!

What do you call someone that looks like Stephen Hawkins and is a space head? Byron Davey.

I'm really bad at giving directions, but don't take that the wrong way.

Yo momma is so ugly, Slenderman runs from her.

It's also why he has no eyes.

What if Stephen Hawking was the Real Slim Shady, but no one knew because he couldn't stand up?

"Banjo players spend half their lives tuning... and the other half out of tune."

I'm a banjo picker, and I can confirm this is 99% true.

Gvido gubis.

What brakes but never falls, and what falls but never brakes?

Answer: Night falls and dawn brakes.

Question: Do you know who Candis is?

Answer: Can dis dick fit in your mouth?

An autistic woman walks into a bar. "A serving of Screaming Banshee, please," she says.

The bartender says, "Ok, you seem to like it, unlike a retired special ed teacher that passed through a few minutes ago."

Roses are red, Violets are twisted, Come back to my place, You might get fisted.

What’s the difference between me and cancer?

My dad didn’t beat cancer.

Any joke can be funny with the right delivery, except abortion jokes, because then there is no delivery.