Worst Jokes Ever
A couple were trying new things in the bedroom to spice up their marriage. The husband would blindfold the wife, put on a condom and she would guess the flavor. They did this one time a night.
The first night, she put the blindfold on and he put the condom on his dick and she tasted it, she immediately knew it was strawberry. The second night, the same thing happened except it was banana. The third night, she put the blindfold on and tasted his dick and said, "Eww it tastes like cheese and onions." The husband replied, "Hang on I haven't put the condom on yet."
Those rape alarms give you a headache, don't they?
Why does a milking stool have 3 legs?
Because the cow has the udder one.
Your kid is so annoying, he makes his Happy Meal cry.
Why is America so bad at chess?
They lost both of their towers.
What do Star Trek and toilet paper have in common?
Both fly around Uranus and wipe out Klingons!
Why don’t cows have any money?
Because farmers milk them dry.
What is a paedophile's favorite thing about Halloween?
Free delivery XD
If olive oil is made of olives, then baby oil is made of...
How do you say "Brazier" in German?
Stop 'em from floppin' (German accent)
Why do Swedish warships have barcodes on them?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
What do old people and meth heads have in common? They usually trip over their balls.
What did they find in Jeffery Dahmer's apartment?
Jack in a box.
Are you George Floyd?
Cause you take my breath away! 😮💨
How are apples and orphans different?
Apples get picked.
I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.
I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.
"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on hunting equipment?" I asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't gone hunting in 20 years!"
"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?"
I replied, "Don't worry about that. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting."
What do Olympic sprinters eat before a race?
Nothing. They fast!
What do you call a fat transgender midget?
Jigglypuff.
What does one orphan say to another orphan on Opposite Day? "Do you want to go home?"
Every time someone calls me fat, I get so depressed I cut myself... a piece of cake.