Worst Jokes Ever

I got told I'm too mean and that I need to think before I speak. So now I take a couple minutes and think of what will REALLY piss the other person off.

What's the difference between Nickelback and a nickel?

A nickel is actually metal.

How do terrorists feed their children?

Here comes the airplane.

A patient walked into a psychiatrist's office last week wrapped in nothing but Saran Wrap. The psychiatrist said, "I can clearly see your nuts."

What do you call an under-the-weather seven?

A sick seven.

What do you say to a feminist with no arms and no legs?

"Nice tits, bitch."

How do you get a slag from Dundee pregnant?

Spunk in the gutter and let the flies do the work...

I flew a paper airplane and I rate it 9/11.

What did the planes say when they were smashing or passing the Twin Towers?

Smash.

(Get it?) 9/11.

Who did the cow want to hang with?

The udders.

Yo mama's so dumb, she waited until the stop sign turned blue.

Yo mama's so fat, when she got pregnant, she fell to the earth's core.

What did the cow say?

Moo!

I'm actually against abortion.

Just go to the car wash and tell 'em you ate too much red pasta!

Why were the Twin Towers mad?

Because they bought a pepperoni pizza, but they got plane.

Why was Mrs. Claus upset?

Because Santa only comes once a year.

Every time I work late at the hospital, I help the patients sleep.

There isn't a snooze button on the beeping things, so I unplug them.

Three ladies were on a flight when suddenly the captain announced, "Please prepare for a crash landing."

The first lady put on all her jewelry. Surprised by this, the other ladies questioned her actions. The first lady replied, "Well, when they come to rescue us they will see that I am rich and will rescue me first." The second lady, not wanting to be left behind, began to take off her top and bra. "Why are you doing that?" the other ladies questioned. "Well, when they come to rescue us, they will see my great tits and will take me first." The third lady who was African, not wanting to be outdone, took off her pants and panties. "Why are you doing that?" the other ladies questioned. "Well, they always search for the black box first."

Yo mama so ugly, when I put her next to a naked mole rat, it said "bluetooth connected."

I like my women how I like my scotch: 11 years old and mixed with Coke.

How do you throw a surprise party at the hospital?

Throw a strobe light in the epileptic ward.